God, how many other times have I misread the signs?
Now, on top of dredging up thirty-five years of repressed emotions, I’m being forced to navigate my newly realized attraction for Luke and what this means for me going forward. Am I supposed to act on this? Do I really want to? I don’t have any experience dating guys, so I feel like I’d just make a fool of myself trying to handle that for the first time.
And what does that mean for Chrissy and me? I could just as easily ignore these feelings for Luke and continue to pursue her full-time. I mean, she’s also attractive as hell and sweet as pie. I could see us working well together. I think. But then I wonder if I only want to take the easy way out, making the excusenotto pursue Luke, because it’s terrifying.
They’re completely different people, and starting a relationship with either would look entirely different, barely comparable. Even sitting here trying to imagine each of them as diverging paths of my future, I can’t decide which one would be more gratifying.
With Chrissy, it would be easy. I’d know exactly what to expect. Quiet nights, cuddled up on the couch watching Netflix, or going out with friends, getting drunk on cheap beers while playing cornhole. Late nights at the bar, coming home to her soft body beneath me whenever we’d make love. It’s predictable. Safe.
With Luke, it’s uncharted territory. He’s as much of a foreigner to me as if we’d been born on different planets. You’d never guess we grew up in the same small town. It’s almost as if we speak different languages. But the canvas of that future path is wide open; limitless. The thrill of not knowing where we would end up is almost more intoxicating than the thought that sex with him would be new and exciting. And clearly something I would enjoy if that dream is any indication.
In all of my life, I never imagined I would find myself in a situation where I’d have difficulty deciding who I wanted to fuck more, and the sudden realization makes my face flush.
Dear lord, I don’t know if I can do this.
Chapter Ten
Well, This Is Awkward
Nope.Idefinitelycan’tdo this.
Sitting in Luke’s driveway, my heart is a steady snare drum in my chest, beating at enough speed that I’m sure it will take off and burst through my ribcage at any moment. My panic only increases as Luke comes outside and heads toward the truck. Maybe it’s just because I’m looking at him with eyes open to the fact that I am most definitely attracted to him, but he is exceptionally striking today—almost like the universe is conspiring to make me see it that way.
It's as though the sun decided to shine down on him with a perfect beam of angelic radiance, the dusty air practically glittering to highlight his handsomeness. He even drags one hand through his golden hair in a motion of pure, unadulterated sex, as if he’s putting on a show for me. It’s like I’m watchingBaywatch, and all of his movements are in slow motion, drawn out for the most attractive impact. The only thing missing is the sexy saxophone opening ofCareless Whisperin the background. And now I can’t stop myself from imagining it.
I might pass away before the end of today.
Luke gets into the passenger seat with as much enthusiasm as yesterday, sighing and putting on his seatbelt with languid movements. He groans heavily, stifling a yawn. But then he turns to me and frowns, studying me with concern.
“Everything all right?” he asks.
I think of all the things I could say: “Yep.” “Totally fine.” “I’m good.” “Can I kiss you to see if I like it?” Except I’m sure my face looks like I’ve been stabbed in the gut, so anything I say will seem like an outright lie. Instead, I shrug and shake my head dismissively, facing the windshield with as much composure as I can muster.
“How was your date?” Luke asks carefully.
“Good. Yep. It was good,” I reply quickly. “Very good.”
“That’s…good?” he says, framing it more like a question.
“It was a lovely evening.”
“Okay, then, what’s wrong?” Luke demands firmly. “You’re acting very squirrely.”
God damn him, why does he have to be so observant? I drag my hand back and forth over my pants leg, my left knee bouncing. Giving Luke a quick sideways glance, I feel those crystal blue eyes boring a hole into my soul. I paste on the most natural-looking smile I can muster and shake my head, trying to appear as calm as possible.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m good.” Did that sound convincing? It probably came off more like I’m being held at gunpoint. Still, it’s my only recourse right now. Double down on the idea that nothing’s wrong, and maybe I’ll—he’llbelieve it. “I think I’m just coming off the excitement. Of the date. Not from anything else.”
Luke studies me silently before shaking his head, turning away. “Sure.”
He doesn’t question me more than that, but I’m acutely aware that he’s paying close attention to me even as he stares out thepassenger window. I drag my hand down my face and focus on driving until we get to work.
The job doesn’t help to keep my mind occupied. I keep making stupid mistakes, fucking shit up, and having to start over. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Luke or my supervisor, but I can’t explainwhymy mind is elsewhere without opening up a can of worms.
Luke attempts to talk to me throughout the day, but it becomes abundantly clear that I can not have a normal conversation right now. I stutter or clam up with every other word. There’s no way to make that seem normal, so instead, I find ways to avoid him, dragging myself away to some made-up thing I need to take care of or pretending I saw someone needing me from across the shop. It’s very mature of me, and I feel like a total adult every time I do it.
I wasn’t prepared for there to be this much awkwardness on my part. It’s almost like I’ve never had a crush before, and it’s rendered me stupid. The problem is, I don’t think I’ll be able to deal with it with Luke this close to me, causing me to forget how to act like a normal human every time I see his stupidly beautiful face. I can’t go on like this, or Luke will start thinking I’m being an asshole, avoiding his friend.
I need time to figure this out without making things worse, but my options are limited in my current situation. So, I devise a foolproof plan to give myself the space I need, taking the only rational course of action available. Running away.
