“I know it sounds cliché to say ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ but it really couldn’t be more accurate.” I scrape a hand through my hair. “You are literally the kindest, sweetest person I know, but it’s not fair to you if I ignore my feelings when I’m just not into it. You should be with someone better than me. Someone who would actually make you happy. I won’t.”
“Okay.” Chrissy nods, still staring down at the ground. “Okay. I hear you.”
“Somewhere deep down, I knew I was going to fuck this up,” I say. “That’s why I was so worried about losing you as a friend when I ultimately did.”
Chrissy sighs, turning her head to look blankly across her front yard, thinking to herself. The little golden cross glitters at her throat, and my eye twitches slightly to see it again. I never really noticed how prominently she wore it until recently, but she must be truly devout—another reason we probably wouldn’t have worked out.
Eventually, she smiles, turning to look at me. Her face is full of love and understanding, despite her sorrow, and it hurts my heart. Even though I’m breaking hers, she’s still offering me kindness. I don’t doubt it’s genuine, but I don’t feel like I deserve it.
“I made a deal with you when we agreed to go out. We would try it and see how it went. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t stand by that promise to be okay if it didn’t work,” she says softly. “Clearly, it’s not working. Maybe more for you than me, but I get it. It wasn’t meant to be. I can respect that.”
I drop my head. “I’d understand if you don’t want to stay friends after this. You don’t owe me anything.”
“Oh, no. You’re not getting out of that as easily,” Chrissy chides with a laugh. “You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.”
I meet her eyes, and she smiles again.
“I’ll be okay,” she insists. “I’m sad, but I’m a big girl. I can handle rejection, and at least you were honest and upfront about it now, instead of stringing me along. I can appreciate that. We’ll find love again. Both of us, even if it’s not with each other.”
I’m not sure what else to say to that. I’ve always known how kind Chrissy could be, but it’s impossible to comprehend howgoodshe is. Too good, even. Now, I’m questioning if she could even get mad at someone for hurting her. I don’t think her personality is capable of hating anyone. Seeing it only solidifies that I made the right choice here. How could I live with myself if I dragged this beautiful soul through the mud?
Chrissy suddenly breaches the gap between us and wraps her arms around my waist tightly, pressing her head against my chest. I gingerly run a hand over her hair and hug her in return. We stand like that for a minute before she makes a sad little sigh, pulling away, and I can see that there’s remorse about what she feels she’s losing out on.
“I’ll see you around, Ethan,” she says. “Don’t be a stranger, okay?”
I give a weak smile and nod, and Chrissy turns and heads back to her house without another word. But, as I turn and head back to my truck, I can’t deny that a weight has been lifted off my chest.
Chapter Fourteen
The Camping Trip
Overthenextweekor so, Luke and I start hanging out almost daily.
He joins me during lunch breaks at work, and for the first time in years, I don’t pick up a book to pass the time. Instead, we sit together in that little upstairs room, talking and laughing our asses off until the hour flies by. We text each other as soon as we get home—sometimes well into the night—until it becomes routine. It’s effortless, like we’ve known each other our whole lives instead of just a few weeks.
With Luke, the conversations are playful and fun with just the right amount of seriousness, and I get the sense that he’s equally eager to keep talking to me. Even when we have nothing profound to say, he’ll send memes or TikTok videos that give me insight into his sense of humor and the kinds of things he likes.
Little by little, I’m getting to know him better, and it only intensifies my desire.
I want to tell him how I’m feeling, but it becomes clear early on that I’m a coward. I’ve come close to saying the words a few times, but whenever I open my mouth to speak, I panic and snapit shut like an idiot. It shouldn’t be this hard, but I’d be lying if I said part of me isn’t terrified that I’ll only fuck this up if I move too quickly. Or that he won’t reciprocate, and I’ll lose him altogether instead. The thought of that feels worse than never progressing beyond this point. I’d rather spend a hundred days like this with Luke than have to give him up entirely.
If only I had an idea of how he felt, I could approach this more confidently.
As Labor Day weekend approaches, I take a risk and ask Luke if he wants to come up north with me and the guys for our annual camping trip.
At first, he seems hesitant about the idea. Not only does he not know my friends very well, but he hasn’t been camping since he was a kid and has no gear. However, with some persuasion and a guarantee that he doesn’t need to bring anything but himself, Luke finally gives in.
While Marcus and the others were surprised but accepting of the idea, they did seem a bit disheartened that Chrissy wasn’t the one joining us. In their opinion, half the fun of this weekend is the romantic getaway in the great outdoors. They have no reason to suspect there’s any chance of that between Luke and me, and I don’t have the heart to tell them I’m secretlyhopingfor that outcome. For all they know, Luke and I are just becoming good friends. And for all I know, that’s all that’s happening, too.Fuck.
Still, the flame of hope is there that I’ll somehow gain the courage to tell Luke the truth. I have no idea if anything will pan out this weekend, and I have no expectations. At the very least, I’ll have someone to hang out with whenever the other couples decide to break off and do their own things. I’ll be content with that for now.
It’s been our tradition for the last fifteen years to go up to the U.P. and camp along the Lake Superior shoreline. It started the year after my dad died. Marcus, Eric, and Ben took me up there to help me grieve, bringing a little light back into my life when I wasn’t sure anything would ever be good again, and we’ve come back every year since, almost like a pilgrimage. Eventually, we opened it up to allow wives and girlfriends when our lives started changing, but the point of the trip has always stayed the same—to let loose and forget about life for a little while. The only hard and steadfast rule we’ve ever kept was ‘no kids allowed.’
Our favorite camping spot is on Twelvemile Beach near Grand Marais, part of the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore. It’s rustic, but it’s one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. We take kayaks out on Lake Superior, dance to music on the beach, and drink enough booze to make us forget about our troubles.
Only this year, my troubles are coming with me.
Luke arrives at my house at 6:30 on Friday morning, more awake than I’ve ever seen him this early. As we pack up my truck, he’s bouncy and wired, flitting around like the Energizer Bunny hyped up on cocaine. It’s ridiculously adorable.
