I’ve never intentionally stared at another man’s dick before, never understoodwhyI felt the need to avert my eyes in locker rooms or communal showers, but seeing Luke’s now is beyond my wildest imagination, and I’menraptured. As I take him in my hand, the velvet soft skin beneath my fingers, Luke releases a little gasp of pleasure that sparks through my entire body in response.
The world falls away, and nothing else matters but the way Luke’s hands touch me, claiming me. Our need for each other grows desperate, our movements getting faster and harder. We rock our hips together, moaning against each other’s mouths as the pleasure builds until it takes us both over the edge. I want to shout out with it, but I’m vaguely aware that now’s not the time or place to be too loud. Instead, I bury my face in the crook of Luke’s neck and clamp down my jaw, letting out nothing more than a strangled grunt as I come in a wave of unadulterated bliss.
I’m a shaking mess by the end, and I can feel Luke’s hand on my neck, holding me through it, and he kisses the side of my head tenderly, moving his hand up through my hair. We’re both sweaty and sticky, but as I push myself up enough to look into his eyes, I’m met with an expression of pure affection and contentment that runs through my heart. Luke’s lips are pink and slightly swollen from the ordeal, but they twist into a lazy smile, and he shakes his head as he watches me.
“My god,” he says, his voice a little raspy.
I can’t help but laugh. “Are you calling me a god?”
Luke’s smile grows, and he closes his eyes, putting his hand to his head and brushing his hair back out of his face. “Someone’s full of themselves.” He chuckles.
“I think we’re safe to say that was an act of divinity.”
“A religious experience, to be sure.”
I lean in, kissing Luke softly, and he smiles into it. I sit up and laugh to see that we never fully shed our sweatpants during all that. Luke is a sight to behold, a beautiful train wreck, his abdomen covered in our spunk. Somehow, it’s not awkward to see him hanging at half-mast like that out of his pants.
I grab a beach towel and clean myself off before coming back to clean Luke off with care. He watches me work with heavy-lidded eyes, then he grabs my arm and pulls me back down until I’m lying beside him, enveloping me in his warmth, rubbing his hands over my back and arm in delicate circles. He closes his eyes, humming contentedly, and we ease into a comfortable silence.
Lying with my head on Luke’s chest, my limbs go heavy. The sound of his steady heartbeat mixed with the rain pouring down on the tent above us drags me under until I lose consciousness. It’s the best sleep I’ve had in days.
Chapter Twenty-One
Dark Spots
Theraineventuallystopsaround lunchtime, and Luke and I reluctantly get up from our post-sex nap to join the others and enjoy the last night of the trip together.
I’m probably smiling too much. In fact, IknowI’m smiling too much. But I can’t help it. Every time I look at Luke, I’m reminded of him lying on the bed, all sexy and undone beneath me, and I turn into a giddy mess. Luke seems to know what I’m thinking about when he catches me staring and finds it hilarious, but he doesn’t tease me. He just laughs and shakes his head like he doesn’t know what to do with me.
Idon’t know what to do with me. I’m acting like a teenager who’s just had sex for the first time in his life, and it’s embarrassing. Keep it to-fucking-gether, Ethan.
Still, I ride the high for the rest of the night, feeling like I could die on the spot and have no regrets. If the others notice my euphoria, they don’t show it. They’re too preoccupied with their own happiness to pay attention to mine. Everyone is laughing and talking together like we did when we were kids, before all the stresses and responsibilities took hold. The air is full ofmagic, and everyone seems to pick up on it. It’s the last day of summer and the final chance to let loose and be free before going back to our lives tomorrow.
This might be the best trip I’ve ever been on, even with the speed bumps—especiallywith the speed bumps. All the hiccups in the world would have been worth it for the edge of bliss I get to experience having Luke here with me. Maybe it’s because the thrill of everything we’re doing is so new, but it’s intoxicating, and I can’t get enough of it. Being able to kiss him when I want, to touch him as many times as I need…
God, I didn’t realize liking another person could feel thisintense. It’s like my whole world blew up overnight in brilliant technicolor, and I never realized until now that it used to only come in shades of gray. It throws me off balance, and I want to shout from the rooftops to anyone and everyone that I’ve found something earth-shatteringly beautiful, which—quite frankly—scares me. I’ve never felt like this before, and it’s all happening so fast when we’ve only been together a day. But it also feels fragile, like I’m holding a porcelain doll that could break if I mishandle it.
I don’t want to read too much into that now and ruin the moment, and yet, the further we move away from our sexual encounter, the more my joy begins to dissipate, and then my head begins to do what it’s best known for… Overthinking.
While Luke sleeps in my arms later that night, my brain won’t turn off yet again. Only this time, it’s not focused on faulty logic or observation—but fear.
It starts small. When I look at Luke and see his unfathomable beauty, my self-esteem wavers, and I can’t help but wonder what on earth someone who looks likehimcould ever see in someone who looks like me. I don’t usually dislike my appearance, but I’m not stupid enough to think I hold a candle to him. Shouldn’t someone as beautiful as he is want to be with someone equallyas beautiful? That’s how it works, right? A ten and a six (at best) aren’t meant to be together.
I can’t seem to stop myself as more intrusive thoughts win out, and I fall further down the rabbit hole.
What if I’m making a fool of myself here? Did Luke even enjoy himself when we were together? He definitely seemed to, and the way he held me afterward was incredibly tender and gentle… But that’s probably typical behavior for whoever Luke sleeps with. Oh god. How many peoplehashe slept with? No, no. That doesn’t matter. Whatmattersis whether I was actually good compared to his other partners. I’ve never done anything sexual with a man until now, so who am I to judge? What if I was truly horrible at it, and he’s too nice to tell me? Fuck.
Okay, don’t ruin the moment like that. Lukeclearlyenjoyed himself, so I must have done something right. The sounds and faces he made when I touched him werereal, and when he tilted his head back on the pillow as he came, holding onto me like I was a lifeline, there was no way he could have faked that. It brings heat to my face just thinking about it again.
But what if I’m the only one who feels likethis? This unusual tug at my heart and soul, like I’ve awakened from a long sleep and can finally see the world in all its resplendence. It disturbs me to think this man has such a hold on me, and we’ve only slept togetheronce.
We never discussed what this makes us or where we want to go from here. It all moved so quickly after that first kiss on the beach, and there’s been a lot of unspoken understanding between us that now I’m not so sure I fully understood. It wasn’t just sex to me, but the genuine fear that that’s all it may have been to Luke threatens to take me under.
The longer I think about it, the lower my confidence gets as I convince myself that Luke doesn’t wantme. After all, he’s a New York City Gay™! He’s used to glamour, glitz, and culture—everything I lack. There’s no chance in hell he would ever be happy settling for the guy who’s never left his shitty little hometown and is riddled with anxiety and mental health issues leftover from unresolved trauma. I mean, who am I trying to impress?
I could always tell him I’m filthy rich. Maybe that’ll be the incentive that gets him to stick around because it’s not like I’ve got anything else going for me here. And that’s a dark thought. Fuck.
No matter how hard I try to rebuke these false notions and end this unyielding torture, nothing seems to work. While Luke sleeps like a baby beside me, I don’t sleep very well at all.
