Have I always been this much of an idiot? Or does it only come out when I’m around Luke?
“Luke,” I try to interrupt again, but he ignores me and plows ahead at full speed.
“I won’t stop going out and doing what I love just because I get unwanted attention. I won’t hide who I am to try and avoid it, either. So, let’s call it quits now if it upsets you this much, so I don’t have to deal with the arguments and insecurity like I’m going to cheat on you because someone flirts with me at a bar—”
“God damn it, Luke. Stop!” I exclaim. Panicking at his words, I push him without thinking until his back is against the wall, and I cover my hand over his mouth, desperate for the stream of sounds pouring out of it to cease. “Just stop.Please.”
Luke jumps with the unexpected contact against the bricks before he goes perfectly still, his eyes wide, almost like a deer caught in headlights. But at the very least, he stops talking. As I pin him firmly against the wall, he stares at me, waiting for me to make the next move. But I don’t know what the next move is. I didn’t think that far ahead. I just panicked. I can feel his heart racing in time with my own, and I stare back at him in shock for a moment before I realize what this must look like to him, forcing him up against a wall, and I back away, putting distance between us. I drop my hands at my sides.
“Did I hurt you?” I ask instantly, my brow creased with worry.
Luke doesn’t move from the wall, but he eyes me warily for a moment before relaxing slightly. “No,” he says softly.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out. “I didn’t know what else to do, and you freaked me out when you started talking about breaking up. Are you sure I didn’t hurt you?”
Luke sighs and shakes his head. “I’m fine.”
“Look, I… I don’t want to break up with you,” I start, my voice wavering slightly. “And I’m not upset about the guys flirting with you. I know they’re assholes, and you didn’t do anything wrong. And I’m not worried about youcheatingon me, for Christ’s sake. That never even crossed my mind.”
Luke seems taken aback. “Is that not what was bothering you?”
“No!” I laugh. “God, no. If I thought you were that kind of person, I don’t think we’d have made it this far.”
“Okay…” Luke shakes his head, confused. “Then what are you worried about?”
I sigh. “It’s not exactly an ego boost to have people coming up to you acting like I’m not even there. And when I see thekindsof guys approaching you, it’s harder for me to feel confident about myself when I already don’t understand why you chose me in the first place. I don’t know how else to articulate it, but I don’t knowwhat you see inme—why you would rather be with me instead of someone better. And yes, that may make me insecure, but that’s not your fault. I’d never blame that on you. I can own my own shit.”
Luke stares at me with genuine shock, like I’ve just solved an unsolvable puzzle on my first guess without even trying, unlocking the key to some mystery that’s been hidden away. His expression is suddenly filled with total disbelief, all anger replaced with awe and wonder, and the way he’s looking at me sends my pulse racing.
“I mean, you’re amazing,” I blurt out, feeling heat rise to my cheeks, but I can’t stop. The alcohol in my veins continues to make me bold. “That’s not even the right word for it. Yes, you’re beautiful, Luke. Breathtakingly so. It’s not a crime for me to notice it, but that’s not why Ilikeyou. You’re also smart, with a wicked sense of humor. You’re charming, confident, and incredibly thoughtful. Just look at what you put together for me tonight! And all because you picked up on one fact about me in the weeks we’ve known each other. You’re always so well put together and know what you like. You’re passionate and not afraid to live life however you want. Not to mention fucking multi-talented, with a clear path ahead of you.”
“Ethan,” Luke whispers, his face softening.
“Meanwhile,” I cut him off, “I’m rapidly approaching middle age and have done nothing noteworthy my entire life. I’m awkward as shit, and I always seem to say the wrong things. I’m riddled with anxiety and emotional baggage. I’ve never left home. I don’t have any goals or ambitions, and Igenuinelydon’t know why you’d even want to be with me.”
It’s a raw statement, one I feel incredibly embarrassed to have voiced, but one I’m desperate for Luke to understand so he knows exactly where I’m coming from. I never want him to think my insecurities have anything to do with him.
Luke stares at me silently for a moment before letting out a long exhale. “I’m not as well put together as you might think,” he says softly. “Everyone’s got problems, Ethan. I’m no exception. And this isn’t a race to see whose life is fucked up the most. But I don’t want to go out with anyone else. I’d rather go out with you.”
“Why?”
“Because I like you, Ethan!” Luke laughs exasperatedly. He pushes off the wall and closes the space between us, standing directly before me. “Hasn’t it been fucking obvious with how hard I tried to impress you tonight? I like you because you’reyou.Baggage and all.”
I furrow my brow and shake my head, turning to look away. Luke reaches for my face, pulling me back toward him, and he gently holds my jaw between his fingers. His eyes search mine, his expression tender.
“Ethan, you sell yourself so short.” He chuckles, smiling sadly. “You’re the kindest person I know, with a genuine heart of gold, and a downright ludicrous sense of generosity that seems almost self-destructive. You’re funnier than me, and you’re a damn good cook with just as much passion for the things you like. Maybe some questionable taste in music, but I can forgive the country because you also love art and classical music as much as I do.”
I can’t help but laugh at that, and Luke’s smile grows. He brushes his fingers through my beard, and I lean into the touch.
“I know we haven’t known each other very long, but it doesn’t feel like it. When I’m with you… When we’re together….” Luke’s brows scrunch together as he tries to find the words, but I already know what he means even before he can finish the thought.
“It feels right,” I say softly, and Luke nods emphatically.
“It does. And as much as you protest that you’re not beautiful, I have to say that I wholeheartedly disagree.” His smile lights up, and he runs his hands up through my hair and across my chest. “You’re perfect, just as you are. You’re probably the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. I understand now that maybe you don’t see it about yourself, but if I have to work overtime to change your mind, I’m more than happy to put in the effort.”
My heart’s pounding in my chest, a fire burning over my skin in all the places he’s touching me. Luke holds me captive in his gaze, and the chaos in my mind subsides. The worries and fears are slowly silenced until all that’s left is the flickering belief that his statement might be true.
Luke smirks as if he can tell that’s what I’m thinking, the corner of his mouth twisting into that devilish little half-smile.
