“I want you,” Luke breathes, no more than a whisper, moving his mouth to the base of my jaw and neck before nibbling on my ear. My heart thrums in my chest, my whole body pulsating in time.
“You can have me,” I reply with a shaky breath, my brain going fuzzy.
“Allof you,” Luke says, drawing back slightly until he’s sitting up.
When his eyes meet mine, everything he’s asking for is laid bare on his face, the implication in his words crystal clear. I freeze, stunned into silence. My eyes widen as his meaning hits me all at once. Suddenly, it feels like all of my brain functions have crashed, a blue screen of death popping up where thoughts are supposed to be. Luke’s studying my face, no doubt gauging my reaction, but panic has to be the only thing written there.
I know I’m supposed to respond. It’s the polite thing to do. I’m also aware that sitting here staring at him like an idiot isn’t good, and the longer the silence stretches, the more likely Luke will take it to heart and think I’m rejecting him. That’s not what’s happening here. I just need a minute to force restart my brain.
Jesus fucking Christ, saysomething, Ethan!
“O-oh….”
Oh?
Oh?! Is that the best you can do?
Luke doesn’t seem surprised or concerned by the short response. He smiles, every bit as warm and kind as ever, and he gently takes my hand in his, brushing his thumb along my skin.
“If it’s too soon, or you’re uncomfortable—” he starts.
“No, no!” My heart jolts with the realization that this might stop before it’s started because I’m being an idiot. I swallow hard, trying to regain my composure, but it’s hard to form a coherent sentence amidst the wall of panic closing in. “It’s just… I, um….”
“What?”
I sigh, looking away. God, I didnotthink this was how tonight would go when I settled in to read. The heat of embarrassment floods my cheeks, and I’m sure Luke can see it, too. I can only imagine what he’s thinking, watching me struggle to speak after he’s asked to take the intimacy up a notch. There’s no way any of his previous boyfriends reacted this skittishly to that kind of request, and I have to look like a child by comparison—the baby bisexual learning to walk for the first time all over again. He definitely didn’t sign up for that.
I figured this discussion would come up eventually, but I thought I’d have more time to mentally prepare for it. Up until now, everything we’ve done has been familiar territory for me, something I’m comfortable enough in my skill level to perform or discover along the way. Even the things I’d never done before came naturally enough that I didn’t have to question them too much. Butthisis something I’ve never ventured into or really thought about. It’s not like I couldn’t have, but none of my girlfriends were interested in the idea, and I didn’t have any other need to look further into it than that. So, I didn’t. Now, I wish I’d researched the things I didn’t know so I could be more prepared and not look as stupid as I do right now.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was likely an inevitable progression for us, and yet, I just ignored it, casually sweeping it under the rug to be dealt with another day. Well—hello, day.
“Don’t laugh?” I ask softly.
“No promises,” Luke says immediately, and I pinch his thigh. He yelps, batting my hand away with a chuckle. “All right, all right. I’m not gonna laugh,” he amends, then adds more seriously, “I promise. Just talk to me. What’s going through your head?”
“You know, I’ve never… Um. Well, you know. Never done…that.”
Luke arches a single brow, regarding me with a humorous glint in his eye that I can only assume is in response to my evasive phrasing, but he doesn’t laugh. He just shakes his head with a knowing smile. “I think I would be more surprised to learn that you did.”
I groan, dropping my head against the back of the couch, wishing that it would swallow me whole. Is there a benevolent god out there somewhere who’ll take pity on me and vaporize me on the spot? It’d be a mercy to end the awkwardness of having this conversation with a man who, in no uncertain terms, probably thinks I’m an idiot.
Luke squeezes my hand reassuringly, clearly aware of my discomfort. “It’s okay, Ethan,” he says softly. “It doesn’t bother me. I wasn’t expecting you to have experience, but I would like to go there with you. If you’ll let me.”
I stare into his eyes, searching his face for any sign of mockery or resentment, but finding none. Instead, he looks back at me with patience and an openness that makes it hard for me to feel anxious despite what my pounding heart implies. But the way Luke is currently straddling my lap suddenly makes me feel claustrophobic, like I’m being pinned to the couch. Moving my hands to his hips, I push gently until he gets up and sits next to me instead. We face each other, and he takes my hand again, like he doesn’t want to go without touching me in some way. He idly massages my palm, the motion sending little tingles up my arm. I focus on the sensation.
“I get this is something new for you,” Luke says. “But it’s really not that scary.”
“The concept isn’t foreign to me,” I reply truthfully, though I’m too ashamed to admit that ‘the concept’ came from a healthy amount of gay literature with varying degrees of eroticism between the pages, some of the descriptions enough to make me blush. But books are books. They’re so far removed from real life that I can’t be sure whether anything I’ve come across is realistic or overdramatized for the sake of entertainment. Even some of the sex depicted in straight romance novels makes me question if there are people out there who really enjoy that kind of thing, or if I’m just catastrophically vanilla. “I’m worried I’m going to get something wrong.”
Luke smiles, but it’s not patronizing. “It’s honestly not that different from what you’re used to. Maybe in a few ways, but it’s nothing to be intimidated about. It’s just supposed to be fun and feel good.”
“But I’m not sure if I… I mean, I don’tthinkI want to….”
I sigh, hiding my face in my hands. God damn it. Why is this such a difficult conversation to have? Maybe it’d be easier if I weren’t so awkward. But if I can’t even fucking talk about it, how am I supposed to perform the act?
“Is this you saying you’re not interested in bottoming?” Luke quirks a brow, and I'm sure my face goes bright red. Luke smirks. “You don’t have to be shy about it.”
“Have you fucking met me?” I groan.
