“Then I’ll gaslight them into believing this was always how things were.” I snort.
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Yes, I do.”
“You’redrunk,” Luke groans, pushing back against me for the first time since I’ve come over here, but I lock my arms to keep him in place, my strength overpowering his tepid will. “You’re not thinking clearly, and I don’t want you to regret it in the morning.”
“I’m not drunk,” I protest, mildly offended. Sitting up, I look him in the eye. It’s impossible to see the fine details of his face in the dark, but his shock is evident.
“You’re not?” He sniffs.
“I barely had anything to drink all night. Like three or four beers, tops.”
He shakes his head slowly with confusion. “But you were passed out drunk!”
“Not drunk. Just really fucking tired.” I sigh, settling again. “Yesterday took a lot out of me. I’m an old man, you know. You’re dating a geezer.”
Luke can’t help but laugh at that, but then he exhales, pensive. “Even so. We should be careful.”
“Mm,” I grumble. “Don’t want to. Besides, I sleep better when you’re next to me.”
Luke scoffs. “You slept just fine over there without me.”
“That’s not true. I fell asleep with you next to me and woke up alone. Ergo, I can’t sleep unless you’re with me… I need you.”
I wanted it to be a lighthearted quip to hide the sincerity behind the sentiment, but the moment it left my lips, it failed to be humorous in any sense of the word. Instead, my heart jolts at the confession so freely given, the closest thing to an ‘I love you’ that I’ve ever come to with him. Suddenly, it feels hard to breathe. My heart’s been laid on the chopping block, waiting for the axe to fall. I'm worried it'll burst with how fast it’s beating.
Luke only swallows in response, but I can sense a string of emotions behind that simple action. If he recognizes theadmission of feeling behind my words, he doesn’t acknowledge it. Instead, we’re quiet for a few minutes, the only sound coming from the hum of the unfamiliar house around us. There’s a bead of anxiety in my stomach at the prolonged silence, and I wonder if I’ve somehow said the wrong thing.
After a while, I even wonder if Luke’s fallen asleep with how still he’s gone. But then he scrubs his face with both hands and lets out a shuddering sigh, and I realize he’s stuck in the pattern of his own thoughts. Whatever has been bothering him is still there, so close to the surface that I can almost feel it, too. I hesitate for a moment, wondering if I’ll be shut down again if I ask the question that’s tearing at my chest, but in the end, it doesn’t hurt to try.
“Why are you crying?” I ask quietly, drawing him closer to me.
For a beat, it seems like he isn’t going to answer this, either. I can see him shake his head slightly, and the way he fidgets as he grips my hand tells me he’s struggling to find the words, but then he lets out a puff of air on a sad laugh.
“Nighttime is…hard for me,” he blubbers through a sniff of fresh tears. “All of the shit piles up, and there’s nothing to distract me from it.”
“What kind of shit?”
Luke sighs, the action feeling heavy. “The injustices of life,” he says tersely, and I can tell I’m not going to get anything more than that out of him tonight regarding context. That carefully erected wall is still there, and I don’t know how to break it down.
“Is it always like this for you?” I frown.
Luke shakes his head, and I can hear him swallow. Then he rolls over in my arms until he’s facing me and curls into my chest, nuzzling against my throat, almost like he wants to meld into me. He shudders before he relaxes, breathing deeply.
“Not when I’m with you,” he says softly, almost hesitantly, and his breath against my skin sends a shiver down my spine.“Whenever you touch me…my brain goes quiet. When I’m with you, it feels like home.” Then he barely whispers, “I need you, too.”
With his words, my heart is set alight like a spark to dry kindling. Heat expands from my chest in a blazing inferno and travels deep into my bones with a burst of sensation, wrapping me in a soothing warmth. I pull Luke closer, holding him firmly in my arms, and something finally clicks into place. As I kiss the top of his head and sense how he yields to my touch, understanding awakens deep within my soul, a long-held secret of the universe becoming known to me in a flash of startling clarity. This man is mysoulmate, my match in every way. He’s the missing half of my spirit returning to me, the completion of my core. With him, I am whole.
It’s preposterous howrightthat feels, even though I never believed in such things before. Not every romantic relationship is so intensely spiritual feeling to the point of transcendence—look at my past relationships. And yet, to think there might be truth in the idea of a soul-knowing bond… Mine certainly seems tied to Luke’s, to the point where I don’t know if I could survive being severed from him now that I know what this feels like. It’s frightening and yet exhilarating at the same time.
As I hold Luke tightly, keeping him as close to me as possible, I feel him release a slight shudder of relief before the tension in his shoulders drops. He snuggles in closer, finally able to relax within the protection of my arms. As I rub my hand up and down his back, tracing soothing circles along his spine, I listen to the sound of his breathing as it slowly deepens until his soft snores tell me he’s finally fallen asleep. Only then do I close my eyes and drift off.
Morning comes with the sound of the house waking up around us, the smell of bacon permeating the air. Chatter and laughter are coming from the kitchen, and the noise eventually draws me awake.
I’m immediately aware of Luke’s body intertwined with mine, his head a pleasant weight against my chest. The floor is rock solid beneath my back, but the dull ache is nothing compared to the satisfaction of having him sound asleep in my arms. It sends a rush of euphoria through my brain to find he’s still here, looking so peaceful that I could cry after how tense he was last night. I would gladly take the hardest surface to sleep on if I could offer that level of serenity for him every night. I would lie like this forever.
A beam of sunlight coming in through the windows catches his golden hair until it shines, and I can’t help but run my fingers through the silken strands like a greedy pirate who’s found some long-lost treasure. As I feel the way his chest rises and falls beneath my fingers with each serene breath, I recall my staggering revelation from last night.
