But is life worth living like this? Am I wasting it in fear?
If I think about it hard enough, it always comes down to that—the chances and risks we don’t take, the jobs we keep, even if they’re sucking our souls, the trip we never book, the words we never say. I could keep going.
But I don’t, because right now, in this moment, I realized that not only have I been living in fear—all my life, it seems—but how much of a coward am I that I can’t swallow it and tell this woman exactly how I feel about her? Or, at the very least, ask her if she feels the same? Instead, I shattered her with mythis was just to get it out of our systemsbullshit.
“It’s clear you love her. It’s changed you so deeply, I can see it in your skin. You glow.”
“Ma.”
She smiles, giving me the thing that was always able to fix my mood. I may not be able to go to them all the time and expectunderstanding, but I know I can always count on them wanting what’s best for me. I’m lucky because I have them.
Luckier that I get to know what love is for the first time, even if it took my mom’s wisdom for me to understand what was happening.
“What if she leaves?” I ask the last question I have. The deepest in my heart. The one stitched to the darkest part of my life. “What if I do?”
“Ay, muchacho, what if you fall? What if you live for the first time in your life? What if she stays? What ifyoufind the reason to stay too? You’ve foundyou. Now go find her.”
You’ve found you. Now go find her.
But it was more than finding Riley—it was finding myself in her, in this place. And if fear wasn’t a thing, I would’ve recognized it for what it was, and we would be together right now.
Again, stupid ass man.
“I see your brain working in overdrive, so I am going to leave you with that and go find your father. I have the urge to tell him I love him right now.”
“Gracias,” is the only thing I can say.
“No hay de qué, cariño. I’ll talk to you soon, and maybe we’ll come visit un día de estos.”
“I’d like that.”
She hangs up, leaving me with my feelings raw and a clear mind of what needs to happen next.
39PERMISSION
Dom
Juniper seems sad,and I wonder if she misses Riley.
I wonder if Riley is avoiding her in the name of avoiding me. Exactly what I didn’t want in the first place, and it ended up happening either way. But I’ll fix this today. As soon as I’m done, I’m making it to her cabin and telling her how I feel.
Her sister says she always leaves, but she clearly said she wants to stop leaving, over and over again. I might not want to clip her wings, but I can ask her to stay and find ways for her to fly instead.
She already does, that’s the thing. I just need to believe she won’t stay put if she doesn’twantto—just because I want her to stay.
Besides, she says she wants to be rooted and find her home, and I’m determined to be that for her, even if not for forever. I was just such a dumbass and didn’t see it for what it was before.
“She looks good,” Lilly says, snapping me from my thoughts as I look at her standing by the door.
“She is.”
Lilly inspects Juniper, walking around her as if she’s looking to find something wrong, the way she does with everyone else, but she won’t. She’s healthy and healing just fine.
“We’re so lucky to have you here. I hope you know that.”
Although it’s nice to hear, it really wasn’t my doing that helped Juniper. It was Riley. “I can’t take credit for this. This was all your sister and her friend. I’ve never seen someone so in tune with an animal before. I think Juniper’s heart and spirit were as broken as her body. Neglect and heartbreak, if you will. Riley restored that. It was beautiful to see.”
She nods, as if it’s a hard pill to swallow. “I don’t remember the last time Riley was around horses, so that must be a big deal for her.”
