Untiltheywere taken from me.
The mother cow continues to nudge the calf, her movements steady and calm as the little one settles into the grass beside her. A soft breeze stirs the field, carrying the scent of the cooling earth and drops of dew everywhere.
I don’t even feel the tear leaving my eyes until Dom’s thumb brushes it off my cheek. I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to explain why I was fine and dandy just a few seconds ago, and now, I’m on the verge of a meltdown.
“What’s wrong?” His eyes are steady as he tangles his fingers in my hair, holding my face and keeping the tears from dropping to my lips.
“Nothing,” I reply, looking away.
“Then why are you crying?”
“I miss my mom. That’s all.” I pull away from his hold. Or try to, at least, but his hold is steady.
“That’snotnothing.” His tone is so opposite of what I’ve come to expect—not gravel deep, but whiskey smooth instead. Softer. Gentler.
I lean into his touch, trying to blink away the tears and the pain that comes with it. I can’t let them free, because once I do,there’s no holding it back. I clear my throat and take a step back, because as much as I’m enjoying Dom’s calloused hand on my cheek, I can’t fall apart.
I force a smile on my face. “I’m good. It was just a moment.” My eyes dart to the mama giving silent strength to her wobbly, wet baby, and I feel the same urge to lose it all right now. I’ll never get experiences like this again. I’ll never feel my mom’s hug or arms around me, or her silent, unwavering push to always do better, to be better.
Dom’s body presses against me, his hand finding mine, our fingers slightly brushing before intertwining. He gently pulls us back towards the truck, allowing our backs to rest gently against it as we take it all in. This is the steadiness I needed, so I didn’t fall to my knees with the waves of overwhelming feeling invading me.
“I didn’t mean to cry. Sorry.” I can’t be moping around. If the one thing about me that's constant is being a happy-go-lucky, this is certainly not on brand for me. And I hate it.
“You can cry. No need to apologize.”
I don’t like it. At all. And this is getting too hard to handle.
I want to go.
I need to go.
I push off the truck. “I’m ready to go back.” I don’t give him time to answer. I get in the truck and let him take us back, which he does, in silence.
As soon as the truck is parked, I throw the door open and shout, “Thanks!” before disappearing into a run. We were doing good, becoming friends and all, and then I had to blow it with my feelings and my tears.
So, I run.
Faster than I ever have before, letting the pain consume my body but not come out. Not in the way of tears, not in the way of anything else. Pain demands to be felt impatiently, and I let it burn each inch of my body, so by the time I go back, it’s gone, and I can breathe again.
Not entirely, though, considering I just fucked up whateverwas going on with Dom, all because I couldn’t act like an adult. No, I don’t have time for this.
If I stop running, smiling, cheering, living, I will simply give in to all the things I’ve lost and broken.
Even before I had them.
Like I just did with him.
Nowthat’s on brand.
19TEQUILA AND TEA
Dom
I thinkRiley’s avoiding me. Three days have passed since she left crying, fighting back tears after the moment with the calf. Three days, she’s woken up at the same time, as her same old routine calls for, but none of the rest has been the same—lights off by nine, no music playing, no snarky remarks, and she hasn’t been at any of the same breakfast or lunch times as me.
And there’s something about it that’s bugging me more than it should. Who am I even kidding? It has never bothered me before. It was a major issue with Cassandra, the lack of quality time and interaction. I was fine at home by myself, never seeing her other than falling asleep beside her. We went from happily married to just married, and I didn’t see it until she had had enough, snapped, and left me.
The worst of it all? I was fine with it. Not happy, of course, especially considering I hurt her, and that was never my intention, but fine either way. It took me a while after she left to realize I was moving through life hopeless and unfulfilled. I had my dream job,but what about it was dreamy? I had a wife and a house, but it wasn’t a partnership and certainly not a home. I had more money than I could think of, but it was gone in the blink of an eye trying to keep her happy, trying to buy some of the happiness I stole when I decided to put a ring on her finger just for the satisfaction of saying I made it instead of wanting to be with her. It was all fucked up.
