She shakes her head. “That was so dumb of me to say. I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant. What I meant was?—
She continues rambling, and I can’t help but smile wider, because I know, deep down, that for the second time tonight, I’m going to surprise us both and say the phrase I’ve been playing ping pong with in my head more and more since I met her.
Fuck it.
22JUST THIS ONCE
Riley
“And all Ireally wanted was to make sure you were not just fucking with me, but I didn’t mean it in an insensitive way, I promise. I wish I spoke more than one language. Hell, I wish I spoke better English with some of the words you use all the time—” I continue my forever run on sentence as Dom stands there, surely wondering what penance he’s paying with me as his neighbor. “Please just go home and let me die of embarrassment alone.”
“Riley!” he shouts.
“What?”
“I’ve been calling your name, but you won’t stop spiraling.”
Is he smiling? Why is he smiling? Dom doesn’t smile, so what? This little spiral is making him happy.
Why Earth? Why is this the path you put me on?
“Stop,” he whispers, snapping me from my spiral again, this one internal, but he can see it too. He’s learned to read me so well in this short amount of time, and it truly isn’t fair. He’s sort of perfect.
The only thing keeping him from being utter perfection is wanting me. I’m destined to go through life wanting things I don’t have and people who don’t want me back.
What a conundrum.
“Breathe for me and get out of your head,” he adds, and I do just that, taking a deep breath in and searching his dark pools to help me ground myself in the right here and now.
He grabs my face in his large, rough hands, bringing his thumb to my bottom lip. “I’m going to be honest for a minute, and it won’t be fair, but at least it’ll be the truth.”
“What?”
“I want to dismantle some of the lies you’ve spun in your head, but I need you to know I’m about to be very selfish, so I do apologize in advance.”
“Okay?” Selfish? He’s the most selfless man I’ve ever met. I don’t think he knows the definition of selfish, so this should be interesting.
“No, I’m not okay. I’m far from okay.” His eyes bounce between mine, and I can see only honesty. And want. A desperate want.
“What do you mean?”
He shakes his head, fighting an internal battle with himself. “It’s not one-sided.”
“What?” I ask again. He’s making zero sense.
“You said it was humiliating because it was one-sided and you misread it, but you didn’t. It’s not. I just can’t give you what you need right now.”
“And what is that?” My voice trembles as the question leaves my lips.
“I can’t give you a relationship. I can’t give you a whirlwind romance. Shit, I shouldn’t even be here right now.”
“Then why are you?”
“Because a moth is attracted to the flame even if it will burn it, Firefly, and I can’t seem to stay away from you.” His hand has not moved from my face, making me thankful for the tether it’s providing when I feel like I should be floating awayinstead.
I don’t know where I’m getting the strength to say, “Let me be the judge of what I need right now,” but I do, holding his gaze so he knows I mean it. I’m lost in his onyx eyes, the smell of the rain awakening every sense.
Come on, Riley, boss babe. You’ve got this. “Ask me,” I mutter.
