Deciding I’m too tired to fight two out of three of my brothers, I pull the seat lever and recline the driver’s seat as far as it’ll go.
Settling in, I close my eyes. Lying there for a few moments, I replay the events of tonight. If I’m so irresponsible and only good for “fun,” then fuck them all.
I don’t need Roman, and I certainly don’t need Sienna. If she doesn’t care, then neither do I.
Eventually, I fall asleep to the thoughts of my own lies.
33
SIENNA
Iscrape the edge of my spoon along the bottom of the ice cream container as tears stream down my face. Wiping them away, I eat one last bite of cookie dough bliss before setting the empty container down on my parents’ living room table.
The television screen in front of me is the only light in the room despite it being two o’clock on an August Wednesday afternoon. I’ve closed all the curtains, not wanting any reminders of summer anymore. Not wanting anything to trigger thoughts ofhimanymore.
It’s been a couple of weeks since Beth and I left Theo’s lake house. Despite my best efforts, I haven’t been able to get him off my mind. His scent, the feeling of his skin on mine, the way he chuckled every time one of his brothers amused him.
I tried to go back to business as usual, but my apartment felt suffocating. Job applications became muddled, and I lost the energy to fill them out. My “regularly scheduled program” only lasted about a day before I brokedown. The breakdown happened after I tried to return to my barista position, and they informed me that due to my long vacation, which they initially approved, they removed me from the schedule after some further thought.
Beth was the one who suggested a change of pace, a change of location. Knowing that my parents are currently on vacation at the beach, I decided to stay at their place for a few days. Before I knew it, a few days turned into a couple of weeks.
Lying down on the couch, I wrap one of my mom’s quilts around me, mindlessly watching the movie I put on the screen. Taking a deep breath, I wipe away my tears with a corner of the blanket, the smell of home calming my senses. A mix of eucalyptus, soil, and oak.
My parents moved us into this house when I was only eight years old. I remember my mom being so happy we had a backyard, albeit a small one, but it was somewhere for her to finally start a garden. My excitement came from seeing my room, much larger than the one we had in the apartment. The kitchen was larger, the bathroom larger, and even the living room felt grand.
Now lying on the couch, I realize how small the place is. A realization I’ve slowly come to as I’ve gotten older. Only a one-story house, the kitchen sits to the right of the front door, the living room immediately to the left. I stare at the small dining room table pushed up against the wall of the kitchen, opposite the sink. I remember many nights spent staring at the wall while I ate my dinner, trying to find shapes in the drywall texture as my parents discussed the events of the day.
When I was younger, I didn’t mind much. But as I grew older, I started to yearn for a view. I quickly outgrew the space I had once been so excited about.
My phone buzzes on the coffee table. Hitting the red button on the screen, I decline another call from Beth. I’ve texted her enough to let her know I’m alive, but don’t particularly enjoy the thought of anyone ruining my pity party right now.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
The noise at the front door makes me jump. My shocked heart rate steadies at the voice that follows.
“Sienna! If you don’t open this door right now, I’m breaking in.” The thick front door muffles Beth’s familiar voice.
I continue to ignore her when I hear the click of the lock and the squeak of the door opening. It only takes a few moments before Beth lifts my legs and places them on her lap when she sits next to me on the couch.
“So what’re we watching?”
I smile at her obvious attempt to make small talk when she clearly knows what movie I’ve put on.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, her tone turning serious.
The space behind my eyes tingles as tears threaten to spring free. I think I’ve cried out all the water in my body because no more tears fall as I shake my head.
With that, the issue at hand is taken off the table, and we don’t discuss it. I’m thankful for my friend who sits with me for the rest of the night as we watch movies from our childhood.
Nostalgia rushes over me the next few days as Beth continues to visit. Her visits throw me back to when we were kids, having sleepovers in this very same house.
Although, unlike when we were kids, I’m now the one who desperately needs the sleepovers, not her.
It’s been a relief having her around. I don’t realize how much weight she lifts off my shoulders when she’s here until she leaves for work and I’m left alone in this empty house.
Relaxing in one of my mom’s lounge chairs in our small backyard, near her garden, I run my bare feet through the thick, lush grass. The midafternoon sun beams down on me and warms my skin as the grass blades tickle and prick my feet. Finally able to enjoy the sunshine again, I inhale and exhale as I make an effort to ground myself.
For a fleeting moment, I forget all about my troubles. I forget I don’t have a job lined up. I forget that my degree was more than likely a waste of time. I forget about my carefully constructed ten-year plan. I forget about Theo too.
