“It is.” I check the document again about the repairs that need doing. “There are a few things here—Jason’s bedroom door needs replacing, and a couple of the windows upstairs need repairing. We’ll paint the girls’ rooms ourselves, but I’ll get professionals in to sort everything else out.”
Noah nods.
“The most important thing, I think, is to get that deck replaced.”
He wraps an arm around my shoulders and gives it a squeeze. “One thing at a time.”
Even without furniture or any of our things, this house feels like a home. Peals of laughter float down the stairs, and any tension I had about the move eases.
Everything’s perfect.
With the kids settled in front of the TV for a movie, I make my way to my room to speak to my counsellor.
I open the laptop.
For years I searched the internet for information about what was happening to me. As the internet grew, more and more information about emotional abuse and coercive control became available.
The worst part was that I knew what was happening, but felt completely unable to stop it.
I’d empathise with women online all the while knowing it was happening to me.
Now I use it for another purpose. Since probate cleared and I’ve had the funds to take care of myself and the children, I’ve been seeing an online counsellor.
While I’ve made progress by myself, it’s been validating to have someone listen to me about things I’m not sure I can ever talk to anyone else about.
She listens and doesn’t judge.
Zoom connects, and Julie smiles at me from her office.
“Emma. It’s good to talk to you again.”
“Good to talk to you too.” I pause. “We move into our new house tomorrow.”
“How are you feeling? Still overwhelmed at times?”
I nod. “Not as much as I was. I feel like once we’re in the house, we can get a routine going again and that’ll help.”
“I think that’s something very important to you. Do you have a plan to get out of the house more?”
“Well, the house is close to both schools and I can walk Jason to and from his school. There’s a supermarket nearby, so I thought I could continue doing the groceries in person instead of having them delivered.”
She nods. “That sounds like a very good start.”
“Noah’s offered to start teaching me how to drive, so I bought a copy of the road code so I can sit my learner licence.”
Julie’s smile widens. “That’s a good step for you. I think driving will give you more independence.”
“I’m just a bit worried about being judged. It’s not normal for someone of my age not to have done things like driving, you know?”
She shakes her head. “Actually, I think it’s something that’s becoming more common in the age of Uber and the like. But I do think it’s important for you to be able to do it.”
We talk some more, and by the time the call ends, I’m feeling more confident in myself.
I will do this.
It’ll take some time, but I will live the rest of my life with all the freedom I should have had from the start.
No more being held back.
