“Noah’s had enough trauma in his life. Is this adding to it?”
“Trauma he could have been saved from if I’d known about him. Why? You’ve had years.” He swallows hard. “I didn’t want to do this in front of Noah, but I’m so pissed at you.”
Tears well in my eyes. “If you don’t want anything to do with me, I’ll understand.”
He hesitates a moment. “You really mean that, don’t you? The time I’ve spent here, I thought we were getting closer.”
I shift my gaze to the ceiling. “I chose Napier to bring Noah closer to you. I never thought that we would reconnect.” Blowing out a long breath, I look back at him. “I don’t have any expectations where you’re concerned, Caleb. For all I knew you were married and had children of your own. But I needed time to get myself in a place where I could tell you about Noah.”
“You had twenty-seven years.”
Shaking my head, I sigh again. “No, you don’t understand. Even after we left the church, I was so scared of Malcolm.”
“I get that, but surely?—”
“No. You don’t get it.”
His eyes search mine. “Did he hit you?”
I shake my head. “No, but he did everything else. I spent years being mentally and emotionally abused. And that wasn’t all. By the time we left the church, I was a shadow of the girl you knew. I had Noah, but I also had a baby who needed me. He’d threaten to take all of them away from me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but I just couldn’t see a way out.”
His jaw sets, and in that moment, I see so clearly where Noah gets his expressions.
“Okay. I can accept that. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. I missed out on everything. From his first words, to his first steps and every single thing after that. So, I’m not going anywhere.”
I blink back tears. Seeing Caleb again has reawakened feelings in me that I forgot existed. I was so in love with him at sixteen. And forty-three-year-old me doesn’t seem to feel that much different.
But he’s so worldly in a way I’m not, and the hope that sparked between us is fizzling out right in front of me.
“You could have told him where to find me. He’s not a child.”
“I know.” Tears roll down my cheeks. “I was still scared. If Malcolm found out?—”
His eyes soften. “He was real bastard to you.”
“Yes, he was.”
Caleb pulls me into his arms while I sob on his shoulder. He gives me comfort even though he must be angry with me.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” I whisper.
“You have other children, but there’s a big gap.”
I nod. “After Noah was born, Malcolm didn’t want any more children for a while which was fine by me, and then when he decided it was time …”
Caleb’s nostrils flare, and I know what he’s thinking. And he’s right. I had no control over anything back then—even less than I did in later years.
“I had a couple of miscarriages. I was still in my early twenties, and then he decided to take a break which I was really relieved about. I don’t know if I could have taken much more. It was nearly ten years after Noah’s birth that I got pregnant again with one that stuck. And two years after that, we had our second daughter.” I take a deep breath. “I thought that was it, but Malcolm always thought ahead, always planned to keep me with him for as long as possible. Kiera was six when he decided it was time for another baby.”
“Emma.” His tone’s so soft. I don’t think he’s going to push me to go into any more detail, and I don’t think I can. “I wish I’d known.”
“I know.” I sniff. “It was the thought of you that kept me going—the thought that one day I’d introduce you to your son.”
His eyes search mine. “I’m looking forward to getting to know him. If he’ll let me.”
Tears roll down my cheeks, and he pulls me closer again.
