“—it’s going to work?”
Cirian’s words roused me once more, and I let out a soft groan as I flexed the muscles of my back. “What was that?” I asked, grogginess muddying the question.
“The solution from the Sleeper,” Cirian clarified. “Do you really think it’s going to work?”
“No one can be sure,” I admitted. “But I’m at my wits’ end, Cirian. It’s been maddening, feeling so helpless while Tobias lies there, rotting in his bed. I recognize the dangers of placing my trust in this Sleeper, but I also find myself feeling hopeful for thefirst time in months. And that is something I’m not willing to let go of. Not yet.”
Cirian grew quiet, and for a brief moment, I thought he too must have slipped into slumber, but then he leaned forward, the tendrils of his hair lifting from my chest as he drew his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.
“You don’t feel the same.”
It wasn’t a question. I didn’t need the thread between us to see his hesitance when it came to the idea.
“I want to,” he replied, his voice echoing against the tiled walls. “To believe that he’ll return to us, and these fears that coil around my heart will melt away. But I’ve come to understand that things are rarely so simple, especially pertaining to those that I love.”
“Could it not be this simple?” I asked, placing a hand on the slope of his shoulder. “What evidence do you have that this course will not succeed?”
“Nothing physical,” Cirian admitted. “Nothing I could use to convince you otherwise.”
“All the same, I’d still like for you to try. Help me understand your reluctance, and then maybe I can assuage whatever doubts you carry.”
He laughed at that. “I rarely deal in the tangible, Bastien. For me, faith comes before all else. And I know that is something you simply cannot reconcile.”
“Just because I lack the faith you place in your god doesn’t mean that I don’t have faith of my own. There are other things worthy of my belief.”
“Where then, do you place that faith?” he asked, his face obscured from me. “What do you, who seeks truth above all else, find worthy of such belief?”
“Myself,” I answered without hesitation. “I place that faith in myself and the knowledge I have gathered throughout my life.And at times, I also entrust it to others. To the people who prove themselves true to their word, to those who understand that a shared humanity is the only way that this world will see suffering abolished. Through the work of our hands alone. There is no one coming to save humanity from itself. There is only us. And I find comfort in those truths.”
Cirian shook his head. “You speak of truths while ignoring the reality of what has happened before your very eyes. How can you deny that the sovereignty of the Source after witnessing its work firsthand?”
“I would be a fool to deny the existence of the source of magic,” I answered, words coming to a sharp point that I did not intend. “But to believe it to be a benevolent force steering us toward morality is a childish notion. You claim that I’ve seen the work of the Source, yet I would argue I’ve seen nothing more than powerful acts of magic brought to life through the will of mankind. While you place your faith in the existence of something that, at best, lacks humanity. How can you tolerate it?”
“I would ask you the same,” Cirian replied, bracing on either side of the tub and hoisting himself from the water. He wrapped himself in a robe of royal blue before turning to face me. “You speak of the faith you place within humanity, yet in my years, I have known nothing but the duplicitous and deceitful nature of all that is human. There is truth absolute when the Source speaks through me, and it is in that opinionless truth that I find solace.”
“Then it is the Source that speaks to you now regarding the Sleeper?” I pressed, rising to my feet as well, though the immediate chill that sank into my flesh made me regret the action. “Does it tell you not to trust the man because he intends to deceive, or is it perhaps that you find the idea of someone else speaking for your precious Source to be unacceptable?”
“Do not reduce my concern to the vapid airs of jealousy,” Cirian spat. “Or do you think so little of me?”
I grit my teeth, the swell of regret in my stomach only growing as I continued. “I think that you are too wrapped within the delusions of the church to see clearly.”
Cirian let out a pained laugh. “There it is. You speak with such certainty that I am the one ruled by my beliefs, yet your vehement disdain for the church has blinded you to anything outside of your own narrow vantage.”
“Am I not justified in that disdain?” I argued. “Your beloved church robbed me of any connection I once had to my own kind. It murdered countless Reviled for merely disagreeing with their doctrine.”
“Because of those who abused their power for personal gain,” Cirian countered. “Flawed, awful people who deserved fates far worse than they received. Do you think that the Source did not also mourn the deaths of those Reviled? That it didn’t share in their pain as the magic was drained from their veins? A sorrow that deep and profound echoes through the Source to this day, Bast. It mourns, just as you do.”
“You’re saying that the Source is aware of the attempted extermination of the Reviled? Then explain to me why it did nothing to prevent it. What good is an omnipotent deity if they can do nothing to prevent the destruction of those who worship it?”
Cirian hesitated.
“Precisely. Now you understand why I cannot place my faith in it. For if the Source is what you say it is, and it chose to do nothing while my people were being obliterated, then it is no benevolent thing. And I want no part of it.”
I strode to the opposite side of the washroom, retrieving a plush towel and wrapping it around my waist. Cirian hadn’tmoved by the time I made it to the door leading into his quarters. Letting out a sigh, I turned to him.
“I need to sleep. We can discuss this more in the morning, if you’d like. But as it stands, I will be attempting to wake Tobias once I return to Paradise.”
Cirian did not meet my gaze. When the tension in the air had grown too heavy to tolerate, I left the washroom, returning to the sofa by the fireplace. I buried my head into a pillow, letting out a stifled growl of frustration. Exhaustion took over almost immediately, and before long, I fell into a slumber that rivaled the dead.
