I checked my watch and tried not to start pacing, tried not to get cold feet.
People talked about maternal instincts, but you didn’t often hear about paternal ones. Was I cut out for fatherhood? I just wasn’t sure. All I could do was give it my best shot.
Pulling out my phone, I was about to call Anja and see where they were, but when I looked up I saw her and Max walking toward me through the parking lot. She looked classy and sleek in head-to-toe black and big sunglasses, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, and Max was wearing a red puffer jacket and matching hat, his dark hair curling out from the bottom.
When they came up to me, Anja stepped to the side and said, “Max, I want you to meet Stefan. He’s Mommy’s old friend. A man who’s always been important to me.”
Her words were like a knife to the gut. Suddenly I felt like I was the one who’d given up on her, who hadn’t been around when she needed me most. I should have found her. Should have fought harder to get her back. But if I had, I wouldn’t have Tori now. And I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I hoped to god I wasn’t losing her. That this wasn’t all a mistake.
“Hello,” I said, resisting the urge to kneel, trying not to tower over the boy.
Max looked up at me, studying my face curiously for a moment, and then grinned shyly, revealing a missing front tooth. “Hi. I’m Max.”
Then he stuck out a small hand for me to shake. I was completely undone.
“Good to meet you, Max,” I said, shaking his hand firmly but gently.
Up close I could see how much he resembled Anja—he had her same wide-set eyes and high cheekbones, the same exact shape of the ears. Like most young kids, he also had round cheeks and a snub nose, his with a spray of freckles across it. Objectively speaking, he really was adorable.
“I got us tickets already,” I said pulling them out, “so why don’t we head inside and check out some of these animals? Max, you want to look at the map?”
“Sure,” he said, taking it from me and studying it. “Hey, look, there’s a swamp in here!”
“Wow,” Anja said. “You’re gonna get to see some big alligators.”
“Uh huh,” he said, flashing that shy grin again.
“You’re into alligators?” I asked him.
He nodded. “Yup. Did you know that their ancestors weredinosaurs?” he informed me solemnly.
“That makes sense,” I said, scrambling to keep our conversation going. “You, uh, you like dinosaurs?”
“Of course,” Max said. “Come on.”
With that, he charged into the zoo.
Inside, Anja kept a hand on Max’s shoulder to guide him while he pored over the map, and I kept a little distance. I had no idea what I was doing—kid stuff was new to me. Even hanging out with my siblings when we were little, it never felt like I was doing much besides taking their lead. Pushing toy cars or plastic dragons around on the carpet with Emzee or riding bikes with Luka. Reading books out loud to them once I started school and got a library card.
“Do you like dinosaurs?” Max asked, looking at me over his shoulder.
“Yeah,” I said. “I mean, I used to.”
That seemed to relax him in a big way, and I saw him nodding to himself as he fell in step beside me.
“So what’s your favorite? My mom’s is the pterodactyl because it can fly.”
Anja shot me a little smile, as if apologizing. But it didn’t bother me. The more he was able to open up, the more I’d learn about him, and the easier it’d be to engage. I could only imagine how awkward the day would be if the conversation was all on me.
“Probably a T. rex,” I said. “King of the dinos.”
Max nodded. “Yeah, but not the biggest. Gigantosaurus was bigger.”
“Giganotosaurus,” Anja corrected.
“That’s what I said,” Max huffed. “Spinosaurus was bigger, too. That’s my favorite ‘cause they could swim. They had these spikes all over their back to keep off predators.”
I had to smile. My kid was an encyclopedia. He definitely didn’t get that from me.
