As I looked at the father of the baby inside of me, and he looked back at me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, I suddenly felt like I was going to fall apart. Because I loved him so much, and because I knew our happily ever after could never happen.
There was no point in lying to myself—I wasn’t even close to moving on. I was still completely in love with Ford, and learning the truth of what he had done to me in high school hadn’t shaken that.
Yes, he’d made mistakes, and yes, I was upset with him. But we’d been best friends for seven years. He was still the first person I called when I needed help. The first person I thought about when I woke up in the morning, the last person I thought about before I went to sleep. He’d told me that he couldn’t imagine a life without me in it, and even though I couldn’t admit it to him, I felt the same way about Ford. I always had.
What was I going to do?
Tears slipped down my face, and I smiled down at the baby through them. At least I could pretend I was simply crying out of joy over this perfect little life in my arms, and not the utter mess that I’d made of my own.
Emzee
Chapter 15
My sister-in-law Tori had always had perfect timing; being in Chicago for a few days meant I had the perfect opportunity to have a proper sit-down with Emma instead of trying to explain what had been going on with me over email or the phone.
I ended up taking her out to brunch at The Whale for our face-to-face, because I’d desperately missed their lobster and waffles and also because they served decent mocktails. My plan was to just ‘fess up and lay it all out for her, giving her an overview of everything related to my divorce and my escape from Chicago. She deserved an explanation, and I knew I had to renew her faith in me if I wanted her to continue running things at the charity in my stead.
She’d be getting a somewhat redacted version of things, though. I still hadn’t told anyone—not my coworkers, not my brothers or sisters-in-law and most definitely not Ford—about the pregnancy, and the real reason I’d moved to New York.
As far as I was concerned, no one needed to know. Yet.
For now, the important thing was to focus on making sure that See Yourself was in a good place. With maternity leave looming in the not-so-distant future, who knew when I’d be able to take over operations again?
“I love working for you, but I can’t run the show when you go radio silent,” Emma said once we’d settled into a blue leather booth next to the retractable wall of windows. The sun was out, and the window walls were up, letting a cool breeze drift into the restaurant. Despite the tension between us, the ambiance was heavenly.
“I know,” I said. “This whole thing was just a giant mess, and I’m so sorry I put you through it.”
I gave her a brief rundown then, about how my marriage had crumbled, how my ex refused to sign the divorce papers, how he’d showed up on my doorstep in New York after tracking me there, even though I’d been trying to get away from him. Emma was sympathetic, and she squeezed my hand across the table.
“I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Are you safe?”
“Yeah, it’s—he’s actually been very sweet. Just…stubborn. I would have told you sooner, but I didn’t want to bring my drama to the charity, or dump all this personal stuff on you. Everything’s just been falling apart, and it’s sort of embarrassing to even have to talk about it.”
“Understandable.” She nodded. “Emzee, I believe in the non-profit, and I believe in you. That’s why I’m still here. But even with everything you’ve been through, we have to figure out a way to keep things up and running here if you’re going to be living a thousand miles away.”
Our waiter arrived with our drinks—mimosa for Emma, watermelon juice with non-alcoholic tequila for me—and took our orders. We both got the lobster and waffles, but I added a side of fruit and a side of bacon.
“Someone’s extra hungry today,” Emma noted.
“Umm, no, I’ve just really missed this place—and I don’t know when I’ll be back,” I said. It wasn’t a total lie.
“I hope that’s not true, because we need to talk about rescheduling your photography classes and one-on-one sessions with the mentees,” she said, firm but gently. “We can’t leave everyone hanging. Unless you want to hire another professional photographer to take over your classes? We can certainly afford it. I’ve already done some outreach, just in a general way.”
“No, I want to do it,” I said. “I love working with the girls.”
“Great.” She pulled out her iPad and day planner and adjusted her glasses, shifting back to the take-no-prisoners Emma that I knew so well. “So I gather you’re in New York for good?”
Her brows were raised, her stylus poised over the screen. It was obvious she was still frazzled, but trying to be solution oriented. I couldn’t blame her for being anxious. I’d skipped town out of the blue, without so much as a warning to my charity or the people who depended on it. Now I had to smooth things over and figure out a plan. Shutting down wasn’t an option.
Even with my life in varying states of upheaval, See Yourself was still the most important thing I’d ever done and it meant the world to me. Providing a support system and a way forward for the women my father had hurt was my way of balancing out his crimes, albeit in a small way.
“I’m in New York for the foreseeable future,” I said carefully. “I’m not sure if it’s permanent, though.”
“Okay. How often do you think you can come back? Quarterly, monthly…?”
I thought on it. It wasn’t until I’d seen my family at the hospital that I’d realized exactly how much I was missing them, and my home city. New York was thrilling and chaotic and I loved the challenge and the energy of the place, but I wasn’t sure it would ever be home to me.
“I can fly back at least once a month,” I told her. “Maybe more, but let’s shoot for once a month and see how it goes. I can combine my photo classes into longer weekend workshops and group my mentees into batches, that way I can cover everything when I’m here.”
