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‘It felt that way. But he started losing interest and my music started slipping, the media noticed, and when he finally ended it—’ She took a breath, plunged. ‘I went off the deep end.’
‘You weren’t,’ Luke said, and she almost heard a sad smile in his voice, ‘a Girl Scout.’
‘No. I pretty much did what the press said I did. I drank, I did drugs, I partied hard and slept around, and my career tanked.’ She swallowed, sniffed. ‘So there you have it.’
Luke said nothing, and Aurelie felt condemnation in his silence. She’d done so many things she wasn’t proud of, the first one being that she’d given in to Pete that first night. That she’d been so clingy and needy and starved of love, she’d taken what she could get. And then when he’d decided he didn’t want her any more, she’d spun out of control because she’d felt so horribly empty.
And she was so afraid of that happening again.
‘Which part of all that,’ Luke finally asked, ‘did you not want to tell me?’
She let out a wobbly laugh, surprised by the question. ‘All of it.’
‘But which part in particular?’ He shifted so he was facing her, his gaze intent, his eyes blazing. ‘The part at the end? About how you went off the deep end? How you partied and slept around and lost yourself?’
She squirmed under that gaze, those pointed, knowing questions. ‘Yes, basically.’ Lost yourself. That was exactly what had happened, yet even now she couldn’t admit as much to Luke. Admit that she was afraid of it happening again, and worse this time. She’d finally found herself again, thanks to Luke. But what if she lost herself once more because she couldn’t handle being in a relationship? Being hurt?
What if he grew tired of her like Pete had, like the whole world had?
‘And what about sex?’ he asked quietly. ‘Enjoying it? Why do you think you don’t?’
She swallowed, wished he didn’t have to be quite so blunt. ‘I suppose because of my experience with Pete. I was never attracted to him, and being with him like that for so long...it just killed that part of me.’
‘And when I’m with you? And you freeze? Why do you think that is?’
‘I don’t know.’ She felt herself getting angry again. She hated him asking so many terrible questions, stripping her so horribly bare. ‘I suppose I remember that first time. It was awful, okay?’ Tears sprang to her eyes and she turned her face away from him. ‘Awful. I couldn’t breathe. He was so heavy. And it...hurt.’ She gasped the last word out, tears pooling in her eyes. If she blinked they would fall, and she couldn’t have that. If she let those first tears out, too many more would follow, and she was afraid she would never stop crying.
‘What about with other men?’ Luke asked quietly.
Aurelie sniffed, her face still averted, her voice clogged with all those mortifying tears. ‘They were all pretty much the same. They only wanted one thing from me, and I knew that. I was a trophy. I got it, and I used it because—’ She stopped, and Luke finished for her, his voice so soft and sad.
‘Because it was better than being used.’
She said nothing. Words were beyond her. She wished she’d never told him, desperately wished she hadn’t opened up this Pandora’s box of tawdry memories. ‘Don’t judge me,’ she finally whispered, a plea, and Luke shook his head.
‘I’m not judging you. Not at all.’
He sounded so weary, so resigned, that Aurelie felt her spirits plummet, and they were already pretty low. He was disgusted by her. Of course he was. How could he not be, after all the things she’d told him? She’d known this would happen. She’d been expecting it. She slipped away from him, rolled out of bed and hunted for her dress.
‘I should go back to my room.’
‘Why?’
‘We’re going to Hong Kong today, right? I need to shower and get dressed.’ She didn’t look at him as she slipped her dress on, tugged on her boots. Her hair was a disaster, but all she needed to do was walk down the hall.
‘We’re not finished here, Aurelie.’
