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‘I wouldn’t say differently.’
‘What, then?’
‘More sympathetically—’
She shook her head, the movement violent. ‘I don’t want your pity.’
‘It’s not pity to be able to understand you—’
‘I am not some kind of psychological specimen—’
‘I never said you were.’ Luke felt his temper start to fray. He would never say the right thing. ‘Aurelie, you’re going to tank us right here and now if you keep fighting me like this. I’m just trying to make this work.’
She hunched her shoulders, her chin tucked low. ‘Maybe it can’t.’
‘Is that what you want?’ he asked evenly, and she didn’t answer for a moment. Fear lurched inside him. Already he couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.
‘No,’ she finally said, her voice so low he had to strain to hear her. She sighed and rested her head against the seat, her eyes closed. ‘Look, I know I’m making a mess of this. But I told you in the beginning that I don’t know how to let my guard down—’
‘You’ve already let your guard down. Now you’re just desperately trying to assemble it again.’
She let out a soft huff of laughter and lifted her wry, slate-blue gaze to his. ‘That’s not working, is it?’
‘No. And I don’t want it to work.’ He didn’t know what the future held, and he still felt that old fear, but he did know he wanted to keep trying. He hoped she did too.
She glanced away. ‘I don’t, either.’ She nibbled her lip, and he thought about reaching out to touch her. Comfort her. He stayed where he was. The physical aspect of their relationship would be dealt with later. He hoped. ‘I’m scared,’ she said softly, still not looking at him. ‘I’m so scared of losing myself again. Of losing control, of not being able to change.’
‘Every relationship contains an element of loss of control, but that doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself completely. A relationship should make you better, stronger. More of yourself rather than less.’ He smiled wryly. ‘Or so all the chat shows and women’s magazines tell me.’
She arched her eyebrows. ‘You watch chat shows and read women’s magazines?’
‘All the time.’
She laughed, and he smiled. Miraculously, it felt okay again. ‘Sorry,’ she said softly, and he shook his head.
‘This isn’t about sorry.’
‘What is it about, then?’
‘Trust. You’re still learning to trust me. I’m still trying to earn it.’
‘You have earned it, Luke.’
He didn’t feel as if he had. He’d let her down too many times already. You’re always letting people down. The people that matter most.
That sly inner voice mocked him, reminded him of his failures. The locked door, his mother’s silence. His own. He was still living in the long shadow of that moment, and he hated it. So much of Aurelie’s life had been defined by one man’s selfish actions. Had his life been similarly defined? Destroyed?
Could he rebuild it again, now, with her?
‘We land in an hour,’ he said, trying to smile, and felt his heart lift and lighten when Aurelie smiled back.
* * *
Aurelie had never been to Hong Kong before, and even though she’d seen photos she wasn’t prepared for the sheer scale of the city, the skyscrapers clustered so close together, right to the edge of Victoria Harbour, piercing the sky.
She still felt raw from the conversation with Luke on the plane. This honesty was a killer. And when she caught him looking at her with a kind of sorrowful compassion, she froze inside. Part of her ached for the understanding he offered, and yet another part scrambled away in self-protection. Did she really want to be understood, all the dark parts of herself brought to glaring light?
He knew the worst, at least in broad strokes. He knew that she’d gone into a relationship—an awful, unhealthy relationship—out of pathetic loneliness and fear, and he understood, if not in the tawdry particulars, how she’d reacted when it had ended. The many, many bad choices she’d made.
And he’s still here.
