“No.”
“The Side A gay Christians believe it’s okay to be gayandhave sexual relationships. Side B believes it’s okay to be gay butnotokay to havegaysex.” Derek shook his head. “I’m a fuckingporn star. Ifuckfor a living. He’s aSide Bgay Christian. We arenota match. He knew where he stood even when I didn’t—why thehelldid he agree to go out with me.Fuck.”
Thoughts of David immediately leaped into Gideon’s mind. If David ever came out—is that the side he would take? If so, could he imagine himself trying to approach David in a romantic manner—even if Daniel wasn’t a factor?
“Is he aware of your profession?”
“No,” Derek mumbled. “I guess I should’ve told him, and everything would’ve been settled then and there.”
The boy was right—breaking the date was surely the right thing to do for both parties involved. But Gideon struggled with voicing that confirmation. Maybe because, in doing so, it would force him to face the reality that David could never be a part of his present life. He told himself he’d already faced that fact… but had he? Deep in his heart, it didn’t feel that way.
Another reason he struggled—was because of Derek’s own struggles. He really liked the Christian boy. If he viewed him as nothing more than a potential piece of ass, he wouldn’t be so upset and conflicted now.
“You have to call him,” Gideon said quietly. “You can’t leave it up in the air.”
“What if I can’t bring myself to break the date?”
“Then go out with him. It’s possible that things will cancel themselves out if you spend some time together.”
Derek looked uneasy. “Maybe.” Doubt masked his face. “I’m… I’m kind of scared to be alone with him.”
“Why?”
“Because I… I’m afraid of… inadvertently making him do something he doesn’t want to do.”
Gideon frowned. “Clarification, please.”
Derek shifted in his seat and raked a hand through his hair. “The way he looked at me,” he mumbled. “I know that look. I could…seducehim into fucking me. I know I could. And a part of mewantsto—so bad.” He cleared his throat as his voice tightened with emotion. “But he would hate himself afterward. Maybe hateme, too. He wouldn’t want to see me again. If hereallybelieves that, in God’s eyes, it’s wrong to have gay sex… seducing him could really fuck him up.” His throat worked, and he looked at Gideon with tears in his eyes. “I don’t know why I care so fucking much—I don’t even know him—but I can’t be that person. I can’t hurt him that way.”
Gideon swallowed thickly. “No, you can’t.” Despite Derek’s fears, Gideon didn’t believe that’s how it would play out. Derek was too kind-hearted, possessed too much integrity to seduce an unwilling partner. If things accidentally went too far—both young men would be mutually at fault. Of that, Gideon was certain.
. . .
It was times like these that Patrick wished for a back entrance to the renovated basement that acted as his temporary living quarters. He would have his own apartment soon, but not soon enough. There wasn’t much risk of his parents asking in-depth questions about the Pride event, and they certainly didn’t want to know if he “met” someone. But Patrick didn’t want to talk at all, about anything. He just wanted to lock himself in his room and pray for the rest of the night that God would erase Derek from his thoughts. How quickly the other man had burrowed under his skin, deeply disturbed Patrick, and caused an irritation in his spirit.
Like an itch you can’t scratch.
Fitting metaphor.
Anitchcould be ignored for only so long.
Patrick opened the front door as quietly as possible and slipped into the small entry hall. He eased the door closed and stood still, listening for voices. Sounds came from the kitchen; his mom preparing dinner. Which meant his dad was probably in the living room watching the evening news or reading his Bible. The door to his room opened off the kitchen—there was no way of slipping past his mom unnoticed.
He had to walk by the entrance of the living room as well and did so with soft steps. He glanced into the room to find his dad in the recliner, glasses on and Bible open. Before he’d hit puberty and all his “gay tendencies” came bubbling to the surface, Patrick and his father had read and studied the Bible together. Those were special times he feared were gone forever. Oh, they had studied the Bible since he came out, but it didn’t feel the same. Now, when his dad read the scriptures during one of their studies, it felt like a reprimand. Alan Weber no longeropenlyused the Bible as a weapon against his son’s “sinful nature”… but it was still there, under the surface. And in some ways, that was worse. Like quietdisapproval, constantly reminding Patrick that he would never be a real “man” in his father’s eyes.
It hurt. But he tried not to give in to that hurt. God was in control. He would heal his family in time, Patrick had faith in that.
He moved past the living room without his dad noticing—or pretending not to notice—and entered the kitchen. His mom’s back was to him as she stirred a pot on the stove. Patrick moved quietly toward the basement door but failed to escape detection.
“Patrick. You’re home.” Eileen Weber faced him. “I didn’t know you’d be back so early, or I would’ve started dinner sooner.”
Patrick smiled small. “It’s okay, I don’t mind waiting. I’m not really hungry, anyway. I had some nachos earlier.”
She nodded and wiped her hands with her apron even though they had nothing on them. “How… how was it?”
“Fine.” His parents hadn’t wanted him to go to the Pride event, didn’t approve of his church participating. But then, they didn’t approve of his church at all. Things were settled down now, but when he first switched places of worship, they were vocal about the “mistake” he was making by leaving theirrealchurch. But he couldn’t stay there—not after the pastor “casually” brought up the subject of conversion therapy. That was his cue to bolt. And he had—and found a new church family who accepted him for who he was and taught that God loved himas is.
“Well, I’m…” She quietly cleared her throat. “I’m glad you’re home safe.”
