Brian shook his head. “That was a moment of weakness. And I meant what I said, I didn’t feelbetterafter we had sex—I felt worse.Ashamed.Sick. Like I had betrayed my brother all over again and disgraced God. It was a horrible feeling I never want to experience again.”
“I’m so sorry about your brother,” Patrick offered sincerely. “But itwasn’tyour fault. And… and trying to becomestraightisn’t going to bring him back or change anything. No matter how angry and upset John was that day… he didn’t leave this world hating you. Helovedyou and that doesn’t justgo awayat a moment’s notice. You’re trying to undo things that can’t be undone. Conversion therapy isn’t the answer, and it isn’t going to make things better.”
“I told you, it alreadyis.”
Maybe it was—because it soothed his conscience. But was he actuallyhealingfrom his homosexuality? Patrick didn’t believe that.
“Is that why you urged me to take the Side B path?” Patrick asked. “Because of what happened with John?”
“I steered you in that direction because any other path leads to destruction—spiritually and physically. That’s what sin does—itdestroys.”
“I think conversion therapy is a mistake,” Patrick whispered. “But I can’t tell you what to do. But don’t ask me to do it, too. I’d rather be alone my whole life than pretend to be something I’m not. That’s no kind of life.That’swhat harms you—living a lie.”
“It isn’t alie,”Brian insisted, his emotions welling. “Once you’re healed, you’renotgay anymore. There’s no lie.”
“Like I said, I can’t tell you what to do.” Patrick shook his head. “But don’t tell me what to do, either.”
Brian stared at him with churning emotions. “You need help, Patrick. If you don’t do something, this obsession with Derek is going to ruin your life—ruin your relationship withGod.”
Patrick sighed. “You’re the one who needs help, Brian.Realhelp. You do need therapy, but notconversiontherapy—actual therapy. You need a real doctor who can help you come to terms with John’s death and… and your sexuality. That’s the only way you’re going to get better, that you’re ever going tofeelbetter. Conversion therapy is just going to make it worse.”
“That’s not true,” Brian whispered. His celldingedand he checked the message, then laid his phone facedown on the table. “Maybe we should go back to your place so you can talk to your dad. He isn’t your enemy.”
Nodding at the phone, Patrick asked, “Who messaged?”
“It was just Robby asking me to pick something up at the store,” Brian passed off absently. “So? Will you at least hear your dad out—”
Patrick snatched up the phone and opened the message;Bring Patrick home. We’re ready for him.
Brian stiffened. “Patrick…”
“What isthis?”He thrust the cell at Brian. “What does he mean,we’re ready for him?Who’s at my house?”
“Patrick, calm down.” Brian rose slowly. “It’s nothing bad. Your dad and a couple of people from church just want to talk to you about… your options.”
“Options?” Patrick tossed the phone on the table and stepped back. “I’m not doing conversion therapy. I told him that when I came out.”
“He just wants totalk.This thing with Derek—”
“There isnothingwith Derek!” Patrick exclaimed.
“Really?” Brian squinted. “Your dad saw the open website on your laptop. Thepornsite, with pics and videos ofDerekhaving sex with other men.”
Patrick trembled, his heart thumping faster. “What was he doing on my laptop? What was he doingin my room?Yesterday… is that why you had me come over to your apartment—so he could go through my things?”
Brian ignored his questions. “You were on apornwebsite,” he said quietly. “Looking atnakedpictures of the guy you insist you’re not interested in. Are you simply lying to everyone—or are you really this blind?”
Shaking his head, Patrick backed away. “I can’t believe you helped him spy on me…invademy privacy.” He swallowed tightly. “You say you don’t know who I am anymore? I don’t know who you are, either.” He started to walk away.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know. A hotel, maybe. I’m not going home.”
“How are you going to pay for a hotel?”
Patrick frowned. “I have money in savings, you know that.”
“Money that you keep in yourparents’savings account.”
