I don’t have an issue with drugs… I don’t.
I don’t remember waking up, but I do remember when he was telling me to go get dressed, and instantly feeling at ease around him, which I haven’t felt since…him. I watched from around the bushes as he shot that man who was driving the van, and he didn’t just do that for him. He also did that because I was on the back. I’m sure if I wasn’t, he would have just shot at them as he rode. J would never have given a shit if I was there or not… not that he ever really let me out of the room. Hell, he’d probably would have shot me just for spite.
At least, I assume that’s why Ro made me get off. Because that’s whathewould have done. My chest hurts at just thinking abouthim. How much my life just still feels like it’s in pieces. Feels like I’m still just trying to tread water.
I attempt to push the memories ofhimback into their own neatly packed away pandora’s box, shoving it deep down underneath my subconscious. Even though, I know that it’s only a matter of time before I can’t keep the lid closed any longer, and it all comes spewing out, ruining everything in its vicinity.
How long have I been at the other clubhouse?
I force myself to conjure up the memories which I had shoved aside, that I forced myself to forget, but the last thing I can remember before getting to the clubhouse, I’m pretty sure it was on Halloween, because I was in costume. It was a big party that I went to on a whim, but I have no idea now how long it’s been since.
I did go home for a few days, but it only took a couple of days before I was jonesing for more.
But it doesn’t fucking matter how long it’s been since I got to the clubhouse. I have got to go home. I have to get back to my life. I can only imagine how my parents have reacted.
Tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll figure out what to do about leaving this clubhouse and going home. Laying down on the bed and staring at the wall, my eyes immediately start to grow heavy before darkness overtakes me.
?
“Sadie, repeat it back.” He whispers into my ear as he keeps the bike steady with a foot on either side of it.
“First is down, the rest are up, neutral is between 1 and 2.”
“Good girl,” He whispers into my ear which causes that need for him to start forming deep within me then his lips place a kiss behind my ear. “What else?”
“Throttle.” I rev the engine, pulling back my right hand, feeling the bike vibrating more underneath us. His hand skirts my inner thigh and I have to force myself to focus on what it is I’m talking about. “Clutch” I pull the lever on the left handlebar. “Front brakes” I move my right hand off of the throttle and pull the lever. “Back brakes.” I feel him start to move, getting up. “What are you doing?” I turn around and look up at him, questioning him. I’m sure he can read the fear all over my face.
“Baby Girl, you’ve got this.” He smiles down to me, leaning over, and kissing me gently.
Nodding my head back at him, I turn, and look ahead. Taking a deep breath, I pull back on the throttle, letting off of the clutch, slowly.
I feel the bike starting to roll. I am doing it! I can hear him saying something behind me, and I feel proud of myself. Pulling the throttle back more and easing off of the clutch, I feel the jerk first, and I start to panic. Accidentally pulling further back on the throttle, I feel gravity starting to take me as I’m beginning to slide backwards, and it causes my hand to pull the throttle more, making the bike jerk faster, the front tire comes off of the ground slightly, and it starts to wobble.
So, I do the only thing I can think, I let go of the handlebars, letting myself fall all the way off the back end as the bike shoots out in front of me, wobbling, and slowing rapidly until it tumbles over on its side.
“Shit.” I mumble to myself, and I feel instant shame coming over me. He’s going to be so mad. I can’t believe that I did this. I shouldn’t have even tried. I knew that I was going to fail at this from the beginning. Now, I’ve just ruined our relationship, he’s never going to want to see me again, or he’s going to make me pay for it, then I have to tell my dad that I’ve been sleeping with a man who’s only a few years younger than he is.
“Are you okay?” I hear him ask me as he footsteps fall behind me. I turn and look up at him. Concern lining his face, he doesn’t look over at the bike at all, just at me.
“I’m sorry.” I cry out, and his face falls as my eyes fill with tears. He pulls me into his body quickly as he soothes me.
“Shh, it’s okay.” He runs his hand through my hair as I sob into his shirt. “I’m sure, it’s fine. And if it’s not, whatever happened, will be an easy fix.” He forces my head out of his chest and up so he can look at me. “The most important thing is that you’re okay.” He pushes the hair out of my face and brushes the tears off of my cheeks with the pad of his thumb. I’m not sure that I’ve ever had someone look at me with so much compassion, so much concern about my well-being. I move towards him as he meets me and presses his mouth.
He’s picking me up as I wrap my legs around his waist, pressing my body further into his. Reaching around my body he holds me to him with one arm, as he unbuttons his pants…
Then he’s gone, and I’m rapidly falling to the ground.
Opening my eyes, I see them as they roll him away, putting him in the van, and I feel my heart shatter.
“No,” I whisper, “I never got to tell him.” I sob out, but no one can hear me. Nobody knows.
It’s just me now…
?
I gasp as I wake up, sitting up, and crying out. My chest throbs as the dream replays in my mind, the dream that I never wanted to end, because I’ll never feel that again. I’ll never have anyone who loves me as much as he did. The bed is soaked with a mix of sweat and tears, and everything in my body hurts. I want to kick off the covers but I’m also shivering every time I try to.
Fuck.
