“It’s okay to not be okay.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes, thinking about how Eli just said that earlier.
“Believe me, I know how okay it is.” She exhales a breath of air. “I was raped.” She says, causing me to snap my head over and look at her.
“When?”
“Right before I turned 18.”
I fall silent for a few moments. “What happened? I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me.” I quickly correct myself.
“It’s okay; it was a long time ago. The cliff notes are: I met a guy, thought he was nice enough, sure there were probably some red flags I overlooked, but I was trying to get over my crush on Axe. He had told me it wasn’t going anywhere. Anyway, I went outa couple of times with this asshole. When your dad got out of the hospital, I thought it’d be a good idea to take him with me to make Axe jealous.” She laughs, shaking her head. I’m sure she can sense my questioning look. “I was trying to hurt him as much as he did me when I walked in on a girl giving him head.”
“What?”
She ignores my questions. “Apparently, seeing Axe and me talking was enough to know. But I’m sure my telling him to lose my number didn’t help. He was mad, so he came back.” Her emotionless eyes surprise me.
“But I wasn’t…”
“Not for lack of trying.” She shakes her head, reaching over and touching me as if to remind me she’s here. “The only reason is that your brother hooked up with a girl who’s just as insane as he is.”
We laugh in unison.
“It’s still violating.” She presses her lips into a thin line.
Falling silent, I look at her, realizing that maybe she’s right. “How’d you get over it?”
“I didn’t.” She shakes her head. “Not really... Learning to live with it is a process, though.” She shrugs. “I numbed myself for months. I only stopped because Axe gave me a place to feel safe enough to work through some of it.”
“And that worked?”
“Kind of.” She laughs, looking back over. “But when I killed him, that helped.”
My eyes widen looking at Ella, seeing her in a new light.
3
I’m making small talk around the table. I don’t know why I agreed to come out with them after our shift. Usually, I don’t. Usually, I keep my distance, because if anyone were to find out, I’m sure I’d be gone quicker than I would realize. And I don’t mean just off the force, I mean these guys will make sure I can never betray them again, whether that’s in prison or dead. But if I never come out, that also seems suspicious.
I notice the group looking past me as they whisper to one another.
“She’s here again.” Matthews nudges Clarke, sitting next to him. “Goddamn, what I wouldn’t give to —”
Collins cuts him off. “Eli, isn’t that Anderson’s sister?”
I kind of hate how they talk about her like that. Like her own accomplishments don’t matter because of where she comes from, but I’m sure few people know how she’s in law school all on her own.
“Huh?” I don’t need to turn around to know it’s her, but I need to make the scene look real. “Hmm, yeah.” Turning back around and looking at them, shrugging.
I’m actually a little impressed with myself for maintaining my composure. I guess all these years of lying have made it second nature.
But I know she’s over there, dancing, to tempt me, toying with my willpower.
My dick’s still throbbing from our earlier interaction.
* * *
Earlier
