We sit in silence for what seems like hours until she finally whispers.
“You know I have to call him, right?”
“Yeah…” slowly nodding my head.
Standing up, she walks over to the counter, rummages through her purse, and pulls her phone out. She looks over at me, as if she’s wanting me to tell her to stop, not to make the call. We both know how this is going to end.
“You want me to, don’t you?”
I just nod my head, serving a double purpose of telling her I want her to go ahead. “It has to come out.”
Pressing on the screen, she steps over to the window, looking out as she presses the phone to her ear.
“Hey… yeah, everything’s fine. I need to talk to you.” There’s a pause. “Can you come here?” another pause. “Z, I swear, I’m okay. There’s just something...” she trails as she glances over at me. “Okay… thanks.” Hanging up the phone.
“He’s got a couple of things he needs to finish up, and then he’s heading over.”
“Okay.” I nod my head as she moves back towards the chair.
We fall into another uncomfortable silence and stare at one another.
“Why now?” she whispers.
“What?”
“You didn’t want to tell me all of this until now?”
“I had a lot of time to think it over…” I trail off, not really sure what to say to explain it. Or how lying on a cot in a cell, night after night, made me think over my entire life. Made mequestion what life would be like without her in it… and how much that pained me to think about. “And Liv came and saw me a few weeks ago.”
“Fucking Liv.” She laughs.
There’s another long silence before I look up at her. “I’m not relieved.” I finally admit to her after months.
“What?”
“At the hospital, you asked me if I was relieved. And I’m not.”
“But…” her eyes widen as she looks at me again.
“I’m not upset with you for not telling me. I understand why. But at the same time, I wish you would have. I wish I could have been there for you. And I’m not relieved.”
“Why? I thought…” she trails off, not really sure what to ask. We just look at one another, my mouth opening as I’m about to say something, but the knocking breaks the conversation.
31
I’m relieved when the knock echoes throughout my apartment. After Eli told me he wasn’t relieved, I knew it wouldn’t take much of a nudge for one or both of us to cave. And the last thing we need is for Z to show up while we’re in the throes again.
Walking over to the door, pulling it open, I smile at my brother standing there.
“Why did I have to come?” Z sounds annoyed with me already.
I push him back by the chest as I step out the door, closing it behind me. “Okay, look, you need to see this, but you have to make me a promise first.”
He rolls his eyes, already annoyed with this and not knowing what’s happening.
“Promise not to freak out.”
He just looks down at me, even more annoyed.
