“No, you don’t get it.” My voice cracks. “He’s leaving, Yana. Like for real. For good. He’s moving to L.A.”
She frowns, looking at me, confused. “Okay, but that’s a good thing for him, right?”
I nod, biting my lip until I taste metal. “Yeah. For him.”
Yana tilts her head. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I pull my knees to my chest and put my head in my hands. “I messed up.”
“What do you mean?”
This feels nostalgic.
A month ago, Yana was telling me not to do exactly this, and here I am, screwing up like always.
“I told him I didn’t like him,” I whisper. “Twice.” My voice breaks, and I feel my tears fall, and as much as I try to stop them,they keep coming. “I’m just realizing justhowmuch he means to me.”
Yana’s face softens. “Oh, Tilly…”
“I thought it was just friendship. When I imagine you and Zara gone, I feel sick. When I imagine Matt gone, I want to throw up.” I look at her. “But when I imagine life without Luca, I can’t breathe. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed in a tiny container, and my stomach threatens to spill my whole guts out. When I imagine Luca across the whole world, I feel like a silhouette, and that’s just me imagining it."
My eyes burn, and I notice blood oozing from the place I dug my nail in my hand. “It’s over.”
Yana leans back, crossing her arms. “Okay, no. I’m not letting you do this pity party thing.”
“Yana—”
“No.” She stands up, grabs my hand, and looks me dead in the eyes. “If you love him, tell him. Don’t let him leave thinking you don’t care.”
“I can’t–”
“Yes, you can. You always run when things get scary, but not this time.”
I swallow.
I feel my heart beat in sync with my brain screaming.
Wrong.
Right.
Wrong.
Right.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
So why does it feel so right!
I nod and get up.
What’s left to lose?
My dignity, my morals, my heart, my mind–
She grins. “That’s what I’m talking about.”
The hallway feels endless as I walk toward Luca’s room. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears.
