Emma smiles weakly at me.
“Now…” Danni holds up her champagne glass. “Can we do this?” She waits for us to sit up and follow suit. “To motherhood. And to a beautiful new life.”
We sip from our glasses, but when Danni sets hers down, she’s silent, nibbling at a cracker. Emma fiddles with her cushion, eyeing me until she blurts out, “I’m afraid I’m going to say all kinds of stupid things. I mean,moreof them.”
“Yep, you’re veering toward it, sweetie,” Danni says.
Emma swats her with her napkin. “I’m just a little starstruck. I loved Cain’s books. And I loved the book covers you designed for his last two series. They were gorgeous. I hope you don’t mind me fan-girling right now.”
“How come you don’t fan-girl over me?” Danni asks in mock disgust.
I laugh and grab a cracker, popping a small square of cheese on top. “Thank you—I mean, about the book covers. I had nothing to do with Cain’s success except when I encouraged him not to toss out all his novels before the second draft phase when he thought they were awful. I started playing around with designing his book covers when my daughter, Trudi, took naps. I loved it, and it fed my creative mind. I learned and got good enough that Cain’s publishing house didn’t hate my designs. Cain would have made it happen either way, but I wanted my book covers to be comparable to what his publisher would choose, rather than them just giving in and okaying them.”
“Anytime you’re hankering to design another book cover, tell me,” Danni says.
Emma fills her plate with cheese then looks at us sheepishly. “Sorry. Am I hogging the cheese?”
“Yes.” Danni swipes one off her plate.
“My pregnancy was a surprise,” I tell them. “That’s not a strong enough word. It was a shock. It was unplanned. I never thought I’d be a mother again, and this little guy or gal beat the odds despite birth control.”
“Sounds like a very determined little guy or gal already,” Danni says.
I rearrange the crackers on my plate then look at them both, hoping I’m not talking too much. “I just found out, and I haven’t been to the doctor yet. But I think it’s helpful for me to acknowledge that I’m pregnant and talk about it, even though a whole host of other feelings are popping up.”
Danni reaches over and puts a hand on mine. “Of course.” Her eyes are filled with compassion.
“I miss Trudi so, so much. I’m sure I always will. I loved being a mother.” I take a sip of my drink and stare down at the cracker in my hand. “Out of all the other things I loved, being Trudi’s mother was the best thing in my life.”
“I understand that,” Emma says softly.
“I loved being a wife too. But really, what I wanted to say”—I smile gently at both of them—“I’m finally at the point where I can talk about Cain and Trudi without falling into a puddle of grief. Except for my sister Cat, most people skirted around my grief, and sometimes that, in itself, was harder than when they would try to say something and bungle up the words. It made me feel like they were trying to erase that part of my life.”
Danni nods thoughtfully. “I noticed that after my mother died. But one of the reasons I think it’s hard for people to talk about Cain and Trudi is because Trudi wassoyoung and the thought of it issovery devastating. I noticed that people want to make sense of a loved one’s death, and there is simply no way tomake sense of it when a child dies. There are no pithy phrases people can throw out—like it was for the best. When my mom died, people outright told me she was better off not suffering. Of course, if they knew my mom, they would have known she wanted to live forever. Literally. Suffering or no suffering. And Cain,”—Danni smiles wistfully— “he was so amazing. He seemed larger than life. Nobody can believe that he’s gone.”
I nod and laugh softly. “People who didn’t know him well thought that he was larger than life, I guess. He wasn’t, though. He was just a normal guy. He left the toilet seat up, he threw his socks right next to the laundry bin instead of in it, and he always forgot our anniversary until the day of.” I pluck a grape off its stem. “He wasn’t perfect, and our relationship wasn’t perfect. But to me, it was a beautiful thing, just by virtue of sheer persistence and love, even when it was flawed or messy.”
“My marriage was far from perfect,” Emma says. “And it wasn’t a beautiful thing, but that’s the way I feel about my relationship with my boyfriend Tank.” She turns to Danni, smiling. “Is your marriage perfect?”
“Yes. Most definitely perfect.” Danni’s grin is huge. “But I admit, I wouldn’t see the imperfections if they were stamped on my eyeballs. We are still very firmly in the honeymoon stage.”
We both laugh. “I loved the first year of Cain and my marriage. But the third year?” I make a face. “That was a doozy. Cain and I rarely stumbled to bed at the same time, and we had no time to talk about real things that meant anything beyond who was going to change Trudi’s diaper. We were so, so exhausted. But that’s normal. The problem was that instead of reaching out to each other, we both pulled inward. After they passed away, I used to wantso badto go back and erase every single imperfect part of our marriage. But now?” I shake my head. “Nope. The imperfections made us grow and become better spouses and parents. We got our groove back andhad some really great years, even if life unfairly cut our time together short.”
Danni, Emma, and I chat about Danni’s new book and Emma’s editing business before Danni starts gathering up everything and tossing it into the picnic basket.
“Please do this again with us?” Emma says. “We’re both surrounded by guys.”
“It’s true,” Danni says. “But we have to invite Lacy next time. And Skye and Reagan, if they’re available.”
“And Monster and Presh need to meet properly,” Emma adds.
“And Meatball!” Danni exclaims, dancing around happily. “I can’t wait!” She flips off the pavilion lights, and I realize they seem brighter now because the sun is setting. While Emma lugs the bag of cushions to the pickup, Danni skirts over to me. “I didn’t find anything posted anywhere.”
I sigh in relief.
“I’ll keep looking, though.” The second I see anything, I will tell you.”
I hug Danni and Emma before we get back into the pickup for the short trip to John’s. “I had a wonderful time.”
