By the time we got home, Genesis was fully asleep again.
Her head rested against my shoulder, her small body warm and heavy in my arms as I carried her upstairs. I moved carefully, out of habit, easing her into her crib without waking her.
She shifted slightly, then settled. I stood there for a moment. Just watching her. The soft rise and fall of her chest. The quiet sound of her breathing.
My baby was peaceful, unaware, and untouched by anything outside of this room. I reached down and adjusted her blanket gently.
My fingers lingering for a second longer than necessary. There was a time I didn’t think I’d get this. I didn’t think I’d ever have the chance to stand over my child and watch them sleep like this. To hear them breathe and to know they were here.
And even now in my happiness with Genesis that ache still came.
Grief.
I never got this with Xander. I swallowed it down the way I always did. I didn’t let it stay long enough to grow intosomething bigger. Because this…this was my life now. And I had learned how to live inside it.
* * *
Before bed,I sat at my desk flipping through another case file. Another name. Another charge. Another life being decided in a room that didn’t feel as heavy as it should have.
I paused with my pen hovering over the page.
There was a time when I thought I would be on the other side of this. Sitting next to someone like him. Fighting for him. Arguing that he deserved more than what the system was trying to give him.
Like Jared.
My chest tightened, and I closed the file.
Because the truth was, I wasn’t doing that.
I was building cases. Strengthening arguments. Making sure things stuck. I leaned back in my chair slowly, staring at nothing for a moment longer than I needed to. I knew how I got here. I just didn’t know when it stopped aligning with who I thought I was supposed to be.
My phone buzzed.
Kenya.
I stared at her name for a second before answering. I can’t remember the last time we spoke on the phone.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey, Baby Bear,” she replied, her voice warm like it always was. “Are you busy?”
“No,” I said, even though that wasn’t entirely true.
“How’s my niece?”
“She’s good. Growing too fast.”
Kenya laughed softly. “I told you that was gonna happen.”
I smiled a little, but it didn’t last.
“How have you been?” she asked.
I leaned back against the couch, already knowing what I was going to say.
“I’m good.”
There was a pause.
