My dad stood in my doorway. “You’re leaving early, Princess,” he said. My mother walked in from behind him. I saton the edge of my bed, watching my mom move around my room, as if she belonged there more than I did.
“For what?” I asked, even though I already knew.
“School,” my mom uttered heartlessly.
I let out a slow breath. “It’s not time yet.”
“It is now.”
Her words were simple and final. Although she tried to articulate them softly, I could tell she didn’t have any remorse. I looked over at my dad, who had been quietly standing in my doorway like he didn’t want to be in the middle of it, but wasn’t going to stop it either.
“Dad?” I pleaded.
He sighed. “It’s for the best, Chanel.”
“For who?” I asked.
“For you. Time heals wounds, and space from Crestwood and North End will help you heal.”
I shook my head slowly. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. “You don’t know that.”
“I know enough,” he said, voice gentle. “And as much as I understand puppy love, I’m not about to watch you throw your life away over this.”
Again. Not his name. Not Xavier. Justthis.Like he was something that could be boxed up and put away. Like he didn’t matter. Because I’m not twenty-one, I couldn’t possibly know what love was.
“I’m not throwing anything away,” I said, my voice tightening. “I just want to know what’s happening.”
“And what is that going to change?” my mom asked quietly.
I opened my mouth. Then closed it. Because I didn’t have an answer. Knowing wouldn’t fix anything. It wouldn’t bring him back. It wouldn’t change whatever the system had already decided for him. I realized that with Jared four years ago. Myparents were in the loop and couldn’t change anything. As much as I wanted to take heed to my parents' advice, I still hated this.
Because not knowing felt worse. It felt like being cut out of something that still belonged to me.
My dad started loading my stuff into his pickup truck.
“You want to ride with mommy or me? We can’t all fit in my Silverado?”
“You, dad,” I answered without thinking.
* * *
The rideto campus was quiet. Too quiet.
The kind of quiet where everything that needs to be said just sits there, heavy and untouched.
I leaned my head against the window. We had exited North End and were now in Crestwood.I watched Crestwood pass by. The corner store. The park. The street Xavier and I used to walk down as if the world belonged to us. Every block felt like something I didn’t get to keep.
I wondered which prison they took X to. Would he be behind bars with my brother, Jared? I wondered if he was scared. If he had asked about me. If he believed I would still be there after he served his time.
I wondered again if any of what Zay said was true. My chest ached. I didn’t know which version of him to grieve. After a while of staring at trees and the roadside, I drifted to sleep.
Five hours later, we pulled onto campus, and suddenly everything felt wrong. The same college I committed to on decision day felt dreary, but there was nothing wrong with the weather.
People were moving in. They were laughing. Families were dragging boxes.
My peers wore a smile, excited to start something new.
It didn’t make sense. How the world could keep going like this, as if nothing had happened. Like I hadn’t just lost something.
