I was so overwhelmed by the fact that it wasn’t just an idea anymore. It wasn’t just two lines on a test. The baby was there, alive, and inside of me.
“And listen to this,” she said.
She pressed a button, and then the most beautiful sound filled the room.
It was a strong sound. It was fast and rhythmic. I froze, my breath caught somewhere in my chest. Xander was my miracle. I couldn’t help but think back to the night my life changed forever. The night Xavier had become a part of the system. I was choked and slammed down by those men. I was held hostage, and my strong baby, Xander, was already inside of me.
My baby had been there longer than I realized.
Longer than my denial.
Longer than my silence.
Longer than the nights, I cried myself to sleep, thinking I had nothing left.
“That’s the heartbeat,” Dr. Aniston said, bringing me back to the present.
But I already knew. Because something inside me recognized it. Xander’s heartbeat was in tune with my own. More tears filled my eyes before I could stop them.
I didn’t speak right away. I just stared at the screen. The doctor moved the wand slightly, adjusting the angle.
“You’re measuring about fifteen weeks,” she said.
The doctor smiled softly. “Everything looks good,” she said. “Strong heartbeat. Development is right where it should be.”
Everything looks good, and typically, I would make a patient wait before pointing out the sex of a baby, but your baby boy has his legs wide open. She gestured to the screen where Xander’s silly self was exposed.
I exhaled slowly, my body sinking into the table.
This was the first positive emotion I had felt since Xavier was taken from me in sirens and bullets. I didn’t feel like something was being taken from me. I felt like something had finally been given to me.
“Do you want baby boy’s picture?” she asked.
I nodded too quickly.
“Yes.”
She printed it out and handed it to me carefully, like it was something fragile.
I took it with both hands. I stared at it like I might forget what I saw if I looked away too long.
I traced the outline lightly with my finger.
Memorizing it.
Holding onto it.
Because Xander was mine.
* * *
Back in my dorm,I sat on my bed with the picture in my lap.
The room was quiet again. But it didn’t feel the same. The emptiness that used to plague this room was gone. I no longer resented Janessa never being in our room.
I rested my hand against my stomach and leaned back against the wall.
“You hear me?” I whispered softly. “I heard you today.”
