Gods, I hope he still wants me. I can feel that he does, but I can also feel something holding him back. Something beyond whatever he had to do to keep me from feeling him during the rescue.
The captain’s quarters are small, much smaller than Seth’s tent. There’s only room for a single bed with a neatly tucked wool coverlet and a desk, which is covered with maps and trade ledgers. One of my Selaran outfits is waiting for me on top of a chest at the end of the bed.
I doubt I’ll be needing it just yet.
The moment the door closes behind us, Ronan takes me into his arms, and I’m hopeful for a moment that whatever dark cloud that has formed over him has passed. But then he grips me tightly to him, his grasp so firm that my hands are pinned to his chest, unable to roam his body as I so desperately want to.
I freeze, trying to read the turmoil in his emotions.
His desire for me is still present under the surface, but it’s been overwhelmed by his guilt. I feel his anguish as he clings tome, his regret, his doubt. “Ronan,” I say softly, tugging my arm up his chest until he releases it, allowing me to caress his cheek. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
He stumbles back a step from me, running into the bed. I follow him there, gently nudging him to sit on the edge with me. His shoulders tense at my touch, but he doesn’t stop me from softly running my hands over his arms. He lets me twine my fingers with his, exhaling quietly as I pull his hand to my lips. “It’s alright. Everything is alright.I’malright.”
The words snap something in him. He turns to me suddenly, grabbing me by the shoulders. “Tell me what happened to you,” he says urgently. His voice catches on his next question, his voice soft and painfully strained. “What did he do to you?”
And then I understand what this is. That man—that brute of a man who lies dead in the marsh—hurt me, and Ronan didn’t stop it. “He hit me,” I admit, watching his pupils flare and dilate. “He insulted me. He threatened me.”
Ronan inhales deeply, trying to remain still but failing as his hands tighten on my upper arms. “Threatened you…?”
“Exactly as you’re imagining,” I say. “Exactly as he did to the girl out there.” He watches me closely as I speak, attempting to conceal his own reaction until he understands mine. My voice shrinks in a way I wasn’t expecting. So much has happened that I’ve had no time to think about the terrible things thatdidn’thappen to me. That could have happened. “He would have done it, if Seth hadn’t stopped him.”
Ronan’s rage slips through his control. The part of him that he tries to keep hidden boils to the surface as he regrets not killing the brute himself. As he regrets not making him suffer more.
His chest rises and falls in panic as he struggles to catch his breath, his disgust aimed equally at what the man did to me and at himself for failing to prevent it.
“Ronan,” I say gently, resting a hand on where he’s gripping my arm, soothing him.
My comfort shocks him. He recoils from my touch, looking at his own hands in disbelief. “Gods, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Here you are, comforting me when I’m meant to be the one comforting you.” He softens as he looks at me, stroking my arms where he held them so tightly, touching them with healing light even though he didn’t hurt me. “Sylvie, please be honest with me. Areyoualright? Truly. I understand if you aren’t.”
He takes my face in his hands and rubs his thumbs across my cheeks right beneath my eyes where my freckles are. Where any tears might fall.
I search my own feelings, but I’m struggling to find an answer for him. “It was frightening, and it’s probably as close as I’ve ever come to—to being violated in that way. But it was far from the first time someone has threatened me. It’s…well, it happens a lot to many people. Especially at times of war.”
“I know,” says Ronan painfully, closing his eyes in anger. Just another in a long line of things he can’t change about the world, another of the many things that haunts him day and night. “What about the rest of your imprisonment? Did anything else happen? Is there anything I can do?”
“Ronan, I meant what I said on the deck.” I stroke his hand on my face and reach and cup his cheek. “I’m alright now that you’re here. My time with Seth was…well, it was something. He’s quite literally insane, and I won’t lie and say I wasn’t afraid of him a lot of the time too. But I think in his own twisted way, he cares about me. And Taran was incredible. I understand why you keep him around.”
Ronan smiles weakly, the expression not quite reaching his eyes. “Seth does care for you. That much was clear from the moment he set eyes on that monster out there. No, before it. He feared for you when he realized I was taking you.”
“Did he?”
Ronan nods. He leans over conspiratorially, and I see a glimpse of his true self underneath his guilt and concern. “And he feared for Taran too.”
I cover my mouth in shock. “You’re lying.”
Ronan nods insistently. “I swear it. And—no. I shouldn’t say it.”
“It’s a secret?”
Another nod.
“Ronan.” I grab his hand and take it in mine. “We aretogether. That means we get double secrets. It’s the rules. If you find out a secret, you tell me, and I’ll do the same. Everyone knows couples are like that. You don’t tell someone a secret and expect them not to tell their husband.”
The word slips out before I realize what I’ve said. I blush, hoping he can’t tell in the dim light of the cabin. “And besides,” I continue quickly before he can call me on it, “I need secrets for my magic.”
I’m not entirely certain that’s true—and I do want to discuss with him the changes to my powers and what I felt from Prima, but not until he tells me the secret.
“Taran likes him too. He doesn’t want to, but he does.”
