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His expression was both intense and unreadable as he stared at her. ‘What exactly do you mean?’ he asked in a low voice.
Allegra let out a shuddering breath. ‘I mean that no matter what the results are tomorrow, even if we know this baby’s life is going to be short and hard, I want to keep him. I want to know this baby, I want to hold him, I want to love him. Or her.’ She let out a trembling laugh and brushed at her eyes. ‘I seem to be rather emotional lately. It must be the pregnancy hormones.’
‘I feel emotional,’ Rafael said, his voice hoarse. ‘This is hard, Allegra, and it might only get harder, for both of us...if you mean what you say.’
‘I do, and I know.’ But did she, really? The words were easy to say—sort of—but the actions that might test them in later months would be far harder. Was she strong enough? There was only one way to find out. ‘What about you?’ she asked quietly. ‘Do you...do you feel differently? Because I won’t hold you to anything, Rafael. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t even want a baby...’
‘I didn’t want you to be pregnant,’ Rafael corrected. ‘And I imagine you didn’t either. We were strangers, Allegra.’
‘We still are,’ she said softly.
‘But this child is real and growing and I want it as much as you do.’ He took a deep breath, meeting her gaze directly. ‘Do you honestly think I would leave you to cope with this alone?’ She was silent for a second, and he drew back, deep hurt scoring his face. ‘Is that the kind of man you think I am?’
‘I don’t know what kind of man you are,’ Allegra confessed. She knew she was hurting him with her words but she had to be honest for both of their sakes. ‘You left me once before, Rafael. You pushed me away, dismissed me out of hand. I’m scared...’ That you’ll do it again. She couldn’t say the words, admit so much.
Rafael’s mouth twisted. ‘We had a one-night stand, Allegra. I admit my exit lines could have used some work, but you can’t judge me by a single conversation.’
‘Or lack of conversation.’
‘If you are going to carry this baby to term,’ Rafael stated, ‘then I am staying with you. No matter what.’ His tone was flat and determined, unyielding as stone. Allegra didn’t know whether she should be heartened or alarmed by the strength of his conviction. Was this simply a matter of responsibility and duty, or the heart?
And what was this going to mean for both of them? For their future? She’d intended on going this alone, because that’s how she did everything. She didn’t want to invite someone into her life, someone who had the power to hurt her, who had already hurt her once before. And yet she couldn’t kick Rafael out either. He was this baby’s father. He had a say, a right, just as much as she did.
Allegra stared down into the fragrant depths of her tea, her emotions a tangled web of confusion, of opposite desires to stay strong, safe and alone—and to run straight into Rafael’s arms. To seek a comfort there that she didn’t even know if he could give.
Inside her their baby kicked, and with a tremulous laugh of surprise she pressed one hand against her belly. Rafael drew a quick breath. ‘Did you feel...?’
‘Yes.’ She looked up, a new shyness coming over her. ‘Do you want to...?’
‘Yes.’ His tone was heartfelt, emboldening her to reach over and take his hand, pressing it over her bump, their fingers interlaced. His palm was warm and strong and she liked the feel of it there. ‘Wait,’ she whispered, and they both remained still, holding their breaths, hoping...
And then it happened. A light kick, right into his palm. Rafael laughed, a sound of total joy. Allegra smiled, feeling tearful again. Everything about this was so much... Rafael, their baby, them.
Rafael kept his palm on her belly and their baby kicked again, stronger this time. He looked up at her, his smile now one of fierce pride. ‘He’s a fighter.’
‘It might be a girl.’
‘Then she is. I don’t care either way, boy or girl. I just want the baby to be...’ He trailed off, a confused torment creasing his features, and Allegra squeezed his hand.
