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Rafael looked up, his bloodshot eyes widening at the sight of her. ‘You’re awake. Here.’ He reached for a pitcher of iced water and poured her a glass, holding it to her lips.
‘Thank you,’ Allegra murmured, and drank. She scooted up in bed, pushing her tangled hair out of her face as she noted the haggard lines of his face, the bleak set of his mouth. ‘I’m okay, Rafael,’ she said quietly, and to her shock his face crumpled almost as if he might weep. ‘Rafael...’ she whispered, reaching out one hand, and even more to her shock he took it, his fingers interlacing with hers.
‘But you could have so easily not been.’ His voice was a ragged whisper as he clung to her hand.
‘I behaved foolishly,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Rafael shook his head, the emotion reined in now but still visible in the lines of strain on his face. ‘I am the foolish one. You wouldn’t have gone off like that if I hadn’t driven you to it. If I had been more reasonable.’
‘You shouldn’t blame yourself...’
‘But who else am I to blame?’ Rafael returned starkly. ‘I am responsible for you, Allegra, and for our child, whether you like it or not. I cannot shirk or ignore that responsibility. I did once before and I will never do so again.’
‘When...?’ The word was a breath of sound. She realised she wanted, needed to know what drove Rafael. What made him the man he was. She wanted to know so she could understand him, but also so she could comfort him. So she could help. The strength of her own feeling surprised her, but she didn’t back away from it. This was too important. They were too important. At least she hoped they were.
‘My mother,’ he said after a moment. ‘My sister, in a different way.’ He pressed his lips together. ‘I lost them both, when it was my sacred responsibility to care for them. I failed them, failed my entire family.’ He looked away, blinking fast. ‘If I seem too controlling, it’s because I can’t contemplate the alternative.’
Allegra felt tears sting her eyes at the pain she saw in Rafael’s face, heard in his voice. She didn’t understand everything but she knew he was hurting. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, reaching up to brush her hand against his cheek. ‘For all you’ve suffered.’
Rafael closed his eyes, leaning into her brief caress, and then he pulled away. Opened his eyes and didn’t look at her. ‘In any case,’ he said, a stiffness entering his voice, ‘I will relax some of the measures I put in place.’
‘That still makes me sound like a prisoner.’
‘You’re not a prisoner.’ Now his tone was touched with impatience. Their moment of bonding was well and truly over. ‘You’re living in the very lap of luxury. I hardly see any reason to complain.’
Allegra tried to tamp down on the frustration she felt rising again. ‘Don’t do that,’ she pleaded.
Rafael looked startled. ‘Do what?’
‘Change. One minute you’re all solicitude and tenderness and the next you’re acting as if you can’t spare two minutes to talk to me. It makes my head spin. And it reminds me—’ She broke off, biting her lip, and Rafael’s eyes narrowed.
‘Reminds you of what?’
‘My father,’ she said after a moment. She leaned her head back against the pillow and closed her eyes. If he’d shared something of his past heartache, then so could she. ‘My father because...because after he divorced my mother I never saw him again, as you know.’ Her throat thickened and she swallowed hard. ‘And before the divorce...he loved me. He acted like he loved me, anyway. He called me his little flower. He tickled me, he tossed me in his arms, he gave me presents and tucked me in at night...’ She gave a trembling laugh and brushed at her eyes. ‘To have his love, to feel so important, and then to be cut off completely...it was awful, Rafael. The worst thing that ever happened to me.’
‘The loss of a father is a very hard thing,’ Rafael said after a moment.
‘How did you lose yours?’
‘He... An accident.’ He looked away. ‘A terrible accident.’
