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‘Post-mortem?’ Hurt flashed through her. ‘Really, that’s what you’d call it?’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘I’m not sure I do.’
Finally Rafael lifted his gaze from his laptop, but then Allegra wished he hadn’t. His eyes were opaque, fathomless, hard. ‘Last night was pleasurable, Allegra, for both of us. That’s all that matters. Let’s leave it at that.’
‘Rafael...’ She took a deep breath, dared. ‘What about everything we talked about? What about the dream you had?’ As soon as she said the words she wished she hadn’t. An emotion flashed across his face like quicksilver, gone before she could decipher it, but she knew it hadn’t been good.
‘Forget about that,’ Rafael said flatly, and as he turned back to his screen Allegra knew she’d truly been dismissed. Still she wouldn’t give up that easily.
‘I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon in Palermo,’ she said. ‘An ultrasound. Will you come with me?’
He hesitated, and for that heart-stopping second she thought he wouldn’t. That he was turning away from her and their child completely, for a reason she could not understand. ‘Yes,’ Rafael said at last. ‘Of course I will.’
* * *
Rafael sat tensely by Allegra as the technician squirted cold, clear gel onto her stomach. They’d barely spoken on the drive into Palermo, which should have suited Rafael perfectly but instead made him feel restless and irritable.
He didn’t know what he wanted. The remnants of his old dream still clung to him, ghost fragments he couldn’t shake. They made him want to keep a little distance between him and Allegra, but another part of him howled in protest. Hated hurting her...and hurting himself.
‘Everything looks good,’ the doctor said as he prodded the ultrasound wand on Allegra’s burgeoning bump. ‘Baby is the right size...a growing boy.’
The fuzzy black and white shape on the ultrasound screen looked like a proper baby. Head, body, hands, feet, even fingers and toes. He was sucking his thumb and kicking his legs and the sight of him made a pressure build inside Rafael, a pressure he couldn’t even begin to understand. His hands curled into fists at his sides and he had to fight to keep his breathing even.
What was happening to him?
He felt too much. Happy. Thankful. Afraid. All of it combined inside him, making it hard even to speak. He focused on practicalities instead, helping Allegra up from the table, listening and nodding as the doctor asked them to book another appointment in four weeks’ time.
‘What shall we do now?’ Allegra asked as they left the doctor’s office for one of the city’s sweeping boulevards.
‘Do?’ Rafael looked at her cautiously. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m sick of being stuck at the villa,’ Allegra said. ‘It’s lovely, of course, but I’ve never been to Palermo and I’d like to see it properly. Can we look around a bit?’
Rafael looked at the tremulous hope on Allegra’s lovely face and knew he’d have to be a monster to refuse. ‘Yes,’ he said, the single word drawn from him with reluctance. ‘I suppose.’
For the next few hours they strolled down boulevards to squares with sparkling fountains, explored narrow alleys with charming shops and market stalls, and ended up at a café facing the lovely Piazza Pretoria, with its iconic fountain.
Allegra had kept up a steady stream of innocuous conversation the whole time, and Rafael hadn’t done much more than offer monosyllabic replies. He was trying to maintain that little bit of distance but it was hard...and becoming harder with every moment.
As they left the café Allegra bent over to reach her bag under the table and the sound of fabric splitting rent the air.
‘Oh, no.’ She straightened, her face fiery, one hand clapped to her back. ‘I’ve split my skirt,’ she whispered, looking mortified, and Rafael looked down at her clothes, realised she’d been wearing the same few loose tops and summer skirts since he’d seen her back in New York.
‘I think you need some new maternity clothes,’ he said, wishing he’d thought of it sooner.
