And that second reaction sends waves of shame through me.
By the time I’ve reached him, he’s already pieced together what happened and pulls me into a crushing hug. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
“It is what it is,” I say, shrugging in his arms. “Will you take me home? My home?” I ask as I peel myself from his arms. I think I see the smallest of winces at my words, but I don’t understand it.
“Yeah, of course.”
Our drive to my place is silent. Not the comfortable kind of quiet, but the type where you can feel the tension thick in the air. It’s cloying and suffocating. But I also don’t do anything to end the silence. I’m not in the best of moods as that numbness that overcame me in the meeting starts to wear off and I’m afraid of saying something I’ll regret later.
When we pull up to my building, he makes to turn off the car and follow me inside, but I reach over, grabbing his hand in mid-air before it reaches the ignition button.
“I actually think I’d like to be alone right now.” I release his hand as quickly as I took it.
Hurt floods his eyes so I do the only thing I can to block it out, I close mine. “Oh. Okay,” I hear him say. He clears his throat. “Once you’re ready, just call me, okay? I can put out some feelers on my end with contacts in the city and see about any openings?—”
“Ryan, no. Stop,” I cut him off.
“Stop, what?”
My eyes fly open. “I don’t need your help finding a new job,” I say sharply.
“But it’s my fault you were just fired in the first place,” he argues.
“No. It’s my own fault.Imade the mistake.” His entire body flinches back, but I press on. “I knew the rules and I ignored them anyway.”
“A… mistake? You think this was a mistake?Weare a mistake?” The hurt that was only in his eyes moments ago is now written across his face along with disappointment.
I let out an exasperated sigh. “That’s not—I’m just saying it’s my own fault for starting this relationship. I made the first move. This is on me.”
“It takes two to tango, Isa,” he grits out. “I’m just as much responsible for this as you are.” The hurt in his face slowly morphing into frustration. “That’s why I’m asking you to let me help you.”
“No! I don’t need your help!” I shout, throwing my hands up. “We’ve already had this conversation. I don’t need you to swoop in and try to be a hero or my savior. I have to do this on my own. If you’re the one responsible for me getting my foot in the door anywhere, I’ll always second-guess whether I’m there because I deserve it or if it’s because they were doing my professional athlete boyfriend a favor. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to find another job in the industry now that I’m known for being romantically linked to my clients. It’s a small world, the security industry. This will follow me around for the rest of my life. It’s not only this one job that was impacted, it’s my entirecareer!” I let out an annoyed breath. “I think we should take a break.”
He inhales sharply. “You want to break up?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know.” I drop my head into my hands in frustration. “I just… need some space. I need to figure out my next moves and gather my thoughts.”
“But away from me?” Hurt laces his words.
I hesitate for the smallest moment. Is that what I want? I don’t even know, but I’m already so far down this path that I’m committed at this point. Rationality tries to break through whatever haze of insanity has overtaken me, but it doesn’t succeed.
“Yes. Away from you.”
“Right. So, I guess we’re breaking up,” he states, his voice flat but the look on his face reveals his despair.
“I guess so.”
He lets out a laugh, but it’s nothing like his normal laugh. This one is sad and angry. “I’m so fucking in love with you. And of course, I never had the chance to tell you. I was planning to do it today before everything completely blew up.”
My entire body stills at his words. Becausesame. But it’s too late. “Ryan, please,” I plead quietly. “Don’t do this now. Don’t say that”
He throws his arms out as far as he can in the confines of the car. “If not now, then when? You’re breaking us up. I figured you should at least know before you finish driving that knife through my heart.”
“I—” I guess I’m not all out of tears like I thought. The tears take me by surprise, forcing their way out. Nope. I’m not about to cry here right now. “I should go.” I hastily grab my bag and fling myself from the car. “Goodbye, Ryan,” I whisper before I slam the car door shut and take off into the safe confines of my building.
I make it all the way into the elevator before the sobs rip their way free.
It’s only as the doors are closing that it dawns on me, he still shouldn’t be driving with the concussion.
