It's going to mess everything up, and who knows if my little girl won't end up just as broken and hurt by this as I am?
God knows I can't heal my own heart. There's no way I'll be able to heal hers.
17
JAXON
The Rum Shack is packed for a Thursday. I'm two whiskeys deep at the bar with Danny and Russ while the bartender keeps finding excuses to smile at me, but she's wasting her time. After this mess with Emily, I'm about done with women. You won't find me catching feelings for anyone ever again, and as far as trusting them goes, I've written that off too.
"So, what's eating you?" Danny asks, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. "You've been a ghost all week. You show up late, you don't talk, you leave the second the truck's loaded."
I take a drink and set the glass down. Russ tears a wing apart and drops the bones on his plate.
"Personal stuff," I grumble, watching Russ shove meat in his face with his grubby paws like a barbarian.
Then he squints at me and says, "Ain't a whole lot stays personal in a town like this, boy."
"Shut up." I raise my glass at the barkeep and let my head sink. I'm not a fool, though what he just said isn’t always right, either. Apparently, Emily can keep a secret for eight years, so some things really do stay secret for a while.
Danny pushes harder. "Is it about that woman from the bakery?" The guys have seen me around Emily's place wound up tight, and they've been too smart to say anything about it until now. Mike put them on me like babysitters and their prying has been coming for days now. I should have figured they'd try to pressure me tonight. They probably just want more town gossip.
"It's not about her," I snarl, and Danny chuckles.
"It's definitely about her," Russ says, joining Dan in the chuckling. Lucky for me, Mike isn't paying much attention right now. The whiskey is loosening things I've been keeping locked down all week. He'd just talk to me like he's my dad and expect me to fess up to everything.
But it's eating at me so much, I have a hard time keeping my own fucking mouth shut and I blurt out, "I found out I might have a kid."
Danny sets his beer down and Russ lowers the chicken wing in his hand to the plate in front of him. He licks his fingers as he and Danny exchange a silent glance. Then both of them stare at me like they're expecting me to keep talking. Stupid me, I do.
"I guess her mom kept her a secret… Seven-year-old little girl." I turn the glass on the bar. "It's bullshit, I tell ya."
"Who's the mother?" Danny asks, whistling as he picks up his beer and takes a long pull. The bartender sets another drink in front of me, which I probably shouldn’t drink since I haven't eaten, but I'm too angry to use self-control.
"Don't matter…" I pick up the glass and sip. "I missed seven years because she decided I didn't need to know."
Russ pushes his plate aside and wipes his hands on a napkin. "Did she try to reach you?"
"She says she did, but I was dark for most of that deployment, no contact with anyone." I finish the whiskey and set the empty glass at the edge of the bar. "Doesn't change the fact that she could've kept trying or told my dad… I guess even her own parents don't know." It hurts just to think about it. Emily ripped my heart out and stomped on it.
"So you don't know for sure if the kid's yours," Danny says.
"Yeah… I don't know." And I don’t know if I want to push it. I have every right to push, but what if it hurts Mercy? I'd never forgive myself if I dragged a little kid through something like that to find out I was just being lied to again.
"So get a test," Mike says. I look up at him to see him leaning forward on the bar staring at me. I didn't realize he was listening, but it appears half the bar is listening now. "Take the guesswork out of it." I've gone from being hated and an outcast to everyone wanting to know my business.
"It's not that simple."
"It kind of is, though." He drums his fingers next to his half-empty beer bottle and says, "All you have to do is ask and if she doesn't want to comply, get a lawyer, kid. You have rights." Mike is a big-hearted man, but even he sees that I was wronged. I just don't want to do any more damage. I'm as mad at myself as I am with Emily.
When Alan leans over the bar, behind Mike's shoulder, and grumbles for another round, I can tell he's been eavesdropping like the rest of these idiots. He hasn't had one nice thing to say to me since I came back, and I'm not in the mood to deal with him.
"I just don't know, Mike," I mumble, feeling my head swimming with alcohol. "I hurt her pretty bad for her to keep a secret like that."
But it isn't Mike who responds. It's Alan. "Well, you signed up for it, didn't you? Comes with the job. You go away that long, things happen back home."
"I signed up to serve my country," I snarl, glaring at him. I can feel my temper rising quickly. "I didn't sign up to be lied to." I grit my teeth and focus on the wall ahead of me. Ever since basic I have a real issue with folks who want to tell me what to do. If they're not my CO or higher, I don't give a fuck what they think. And Alan doesn't even register on my radar.
"I'm just saying, you knew the deal when you enlisted." He shrugs and picks up the fresh beer the bartender sets in front of him, tilting it toward me. "Honestly, you're probably better off. Kids tie you down anyway."
