The server brings our plates. Jaxon squeezes a lime over his tacos then picks one up and takes a bite. I push a piece of shrimp around my plate with my fork. The food is probably fine but I'm just not hungry. This feels too tense and volatile to sit and eat. My shoulders droop and he must notice it because he finally says the words that will put me out of my misery.
"Emily." He sets the taco down and wipes his hands on his napkin. "I didn't ask you here to make small talk about the bakery."
"I know you didn't."
"I've been going over it in my head for three weeks, and I keep getting stuck on the same thing, which is that I left and you were here and somewhere in between, everything changed." He folds the napkin in half and then in half again and sets it next to his plate. "I need you to walk me through what happened after I deployed because I missed a hell of a lot."
His forehead scrunches up as he sighs, and I see the hurt in his eyes when he looks up at me. What he's asking for isn't unreasonable at all. And for now, he's not being a jerk or shouting about it. I owe him this much, but I'm not sure how to find the words. Jaxon picks up his water glass and holds it without drinking. He's watching me and his lips are pursed in a tight line, but he doesn't interrupt.
"About six weeks after you left, I found out I was pregnant." I swallow hard, feeling my cheeks warm uncomfortably. I don’t want to cry tonight. I’ve been crying too much lately. "Your parents didn't know when you were coming back. They hadn't heard from you, and I was scared. I was embarrassed too… You don't know what it's like for a twenty-year-old to tell her very conservative family that she's pregnant." I flick a glance at his face, shocked to see he's not angry. He looks compassionate.
"What did you do?" Jaxon's voice is so cautious, not at all like the raging bull in my bakery or at that farmer's market. It makes me wonder if those prayers the ladies prayed for me really worked. He seems like a different person right now.
I look down at the wildflowers in my lap. The purple ones are already wilting, their petals curling at the edges. "I told everyone it was a one-night stand."
I hear his heavy exhale, but I don't look up at him. We're finally getting down to the nuts and bolts of this problem between us and I know it's gonna be rocky. I just hope he can listen to the whole thing without shouting.
"I told my parents and Leah and everyone who asked that the father was some guy I'd hooked up with." I brush the crumbs off my fingers and fold my hands together in my lap. "It was easier than explaining that it was you…" I feel guilty as I say that. The odd fact is that it would've been easier to say it was him. Everyone would’ve supported me more, but I was so young and stupid. I didn’t know. I was ashamed. "I didn't want them to be upset with you for not being here." And in telling my whole world that, I made it more difficult for myself.
Heavy silence settles over our table like a wet blanket. At times when I think of how hurt I was back then, I still get so angry with Jaxon. But there was no way he could have ever known. I never told anyone, so that makes my heartbreak my own fault.
"I know what that makes me," I say. "I know how it sounds."
"Yeah." His voice is quiet. "It sounds like you erased me."
My eyes fill up and I press my fingers against them. Jaxon reaches across the table and picks up his napkin and holds it out to me. I take it and press it against my face and sit there until the worst of it passes. Thankfully, it's not a hysterical sobbing fit, just a few tears. When I pull the napkin away, he's still watching me cautiously but he looks angrier.
"And in all that time, nobody thought to tell me." He picks up a taco and takes a bite, but I can tell he's using it as a means to not lash out. I give him a bit of space for a second, but I don't want him to get the wrong impression.
"Your mother was sick, Jaxon. Your father was at the hospital every day and then at the yard trying to hold the business together. By the time she passed, Mercy was a toddler and I'd been telling the same lie for so long that I didn't know how to stop. After a while, it just became the truth to everyone around me."
He pushes his plate to the side and leans back in his chair, crossing his arms, staring past me at the boardwalk. People walk by with shopping bags and ice cream cones. A couple stops at the railing to look at the water. And I turn back to him now feeling emboldened.
I've answered every one of his questions and this whole time, he hasn't once said a thing about why he never tried to get in touch. I feel like I've been more than fair, and now I deserve some explanations myself.
"I need to ask you something." With the heaviest emotion gone, my voice grows bolder. Jaxon must sense the shift in me because his eyes come back to me, locking on my face. "Why didn't you come home? Your mother was dying. Your father was alone. I was waiting for you but you never called once."
He looks down at his plate. Then out at the boardwalk. Then back at me. It's like he's wrestling inside himself and can’t find the words. I've seen that look a hundred times on Mercy's face when she's done something wrong and can't fess up. I guess children can inherit traits from their parents even when they've never met them.
"I can't talk about that."
I wait, giving him time to say more, but he clams up like a boiled oyster and I start to feel myself getting angry. It isn't fair that he thinks he doesn't have to reciprocate.
"You asked me here so we could be honest with each other. I just sat across from you and told you the worst thing I've ever done. Why can't you tell me why you didn't even try?" I already sense my body tensing to run. I can't help it. It's ingrained into me.
"Emily, it's not that simple."
"If I can be honest with you, then you can be honest with me." I push my chair back and stand up. "And if you can't do that, then I don't know what we're doing here."
I drop my paper napkin on my untouched food and turn, grabbing my purse and stomping off. It's the last time I’ll try with him. I deserve better than he's willing to give me.
If he wants to be a part of Mercy's life, fine, but I don't have to date him or have dinner with him to make that happen.
And he's gonna fight like hell to get an inch after he left me alone for so long.
21
JAXON
