I pressmy lips together and force my brain to work. But it doesn't. There's just gaping emptiness in my mind. I don't know anything. It's as if I've never heard anything about the structure of our body's cells in my life.
No matter what happens. Believe in yourself. Because I always will. Of course, my father chooses this moment to speak up.
"Then help me," I retort sharply, letting the book fall onto my thighs.
In the end, it doesn't matter whether he believes in me or not. I'm too dumb. I couldn't remember anything even in school. There's no reason that should suddenly change.
Discouraged, I gaze through the glass door outside, where Josh and Sophia play together as if they've never done anything else.
Maybe the man is an idiot, and someone I need to avoid. But he's right about one thing. I have actually succeeded with his daughter. I have a special connection with children, and I can't imagine a better occupation than working with them.
Why I need to know so much about biology for that is beyond me. It has nothing to do with pedagogy.
"Pull yourself together, Maya," I admonish myself forcefully. Because those are the rules. I wanted to take control of my future and promised myself that I would follow through this time. I've saved as much as possible from my first paycheck so that I can focus solely on studying and starting a new internship in autumn. I could have bought shoes or clothes just as easily, but I didn't. And I won't waste a single cent of my next paycheck. My dream is too important.
Within you lies the heart of a fighter, whispers the deep voice inside me.
I can't stop believing that I can do this. I have to be a little bit like Josh. Relentless. Determined. Strong. With that vision in mind, I take a deep breath and turn back to my study materials. I review the components of a cell in small increments. I read a short paragraph and repeat aloud what I just learned.
"The nucleus has pores for the exchange of substances between the cytoplasm and the nucleus," I repeat for the third time as Sophia and Josh enter the living room.
I immediately close the book. I feel as if they've caught me doing something. And in a way, they have. Because I haven't told anyone that I plan to take this exam. Not even Elina knows about it.
"What are you doing?" Sophia snuggles up to me in her floral bathrobe. Water drips from her wet hair onto my dress. Her index finger touches the book cover. "That's a strange book."
We shouldn't even talk about that. If I don't pass the exam, at least no one will know. "Did you have a good time in the water?"
Sophia furrows her eyebrows. "Why are you reading that?"
The distraction maneuver worked well, didn't it?
Now Josh approaches as well. "Maya is studying biology," he says, addressing his daughter. Then his gaze shifts to me, and this time, I'm not fast enough. As soon as he locks eyes with me, I can't look away. There's a fire burning in his eyes that captivates me. "Are you pursuing your high school diploma?" I hear hope mixed with pride in his voice.
I wish I could lower my eyes, but I can't. I can only nod awkwardly. My fingernails dig into the pages of the book.
"Why is Maya doing this high school thing?" Sophia sounds genuinely interested.
Josh beams at me. "Because she wants to make her dream come true."
He remembers that? I can't hide my astonishment.
"What dream?" Sophia sounds like she's in a faraway place.
Josh sits down right next to me. "She wants to help children who are going through a difficult time," he says, directed more at me than his daughter.And she will do it absolutely fantastically, his eyes add without words.
He shouldn't do that. He can't believe in me so unconditionally. And he has to stop making me feel like I'm something special.
"That will be awesome!" Sophia exclaims happily. Then she jumps up from the couch. "I want to eat cake. Do you want some too?"
None of us reacts. Because we're too busy looking at each other.
"I'll ask Jasmin if we have any," she says, her bare feet making quieter and quieter footsteps on the hardwood floor.
A split second later, Josh and I are alone.
A storm rages inside me. Because I know that if I give in to my longing now, he might reject me.
And if I don't, I will wither away. Like a plant in the desert.
