"Maya, shall we dance again?" Sophia seems to never get enough. But a glance at my watch tells me that it's long past her bedtime.
"We'll dance all day tomorrow. But for today, we have to call it a night." I nod my head toward the alpine house where we're staying.
Sophia pouts, pushing out her lower lip, then turns to Josh. "Will you read me a bedtime story?" she asks in a sugary-sweet tone that no one could resist.
Not even Josh. I can tell by his grin. "Of course. Go ahead, I'll be there in thirty minutes."
Warmth spreads through my heart involuntarily. He's been doing everything he can to spend time with Sophia. My intuition tells me that he would never let her down.
Maybe I've been suspicious without reason. Maybe I can rely on him.
Always. Not just on the good days.
"Oooookay." Without any further protests, Sophia turns around, takes my hand, and pulls me toward the alpine house. Josh watches in amusement as I stumble over the uneven ground behind her. And all because I can't take my eyes off him.
***
Three-quarters of an hour later, Josh still hasn't shownup. Sophia is already lying in her wooden bed adorned with woodburning art, blinking at me wearily.
"Where's Daddy?" she asks, her lips pressed together.
With pursed lips, I pull the red-and-white-checkered blanket up to her button nose. "He must have been delayed," I try to sound casual. She shouldn't see the anger brewing inside me.
"But he promised." Her little hands clench into fists.
Of course, he did. And now he's breaking his promise. Because something else is more important to him.
I force my mouth into a smile with all my might. "I'm sure he would rather be here with you right now." Even as the words leave my mouth, I'm unsure if that's the right thing to say.
Is it okay to pretend that her father didn't consciously choose against her? Because that seems to be the case.
I struggle to suppress the memories welling up inside me. They have no place here. This is about Sophia, not me.
The little one looks at me skeptically. "But why isn't he here, then?" she whines.
Sophia is tired. And disappointed. It can hardly be a worse combination. I urgently need to distract her. And myself as well.
"Here's what we'll do. I'll read you the bedtime story tonight, and I'll change my voice to sound like Daddy's. You close your eyes, and while I read, it will almost be as if he's here." Internally, I shake my head at myself. What a foolish idea. No one can replace Josh for her. If anyone knows that, it's me.
Her lower lip disappears beneath her front teeth. "Okay," she finally says meekly and closes her eyes. "But tomorrow, he has to read to me again."
"He will. I'm sure of it." I shouldn't make that promise, but at this moment, I can't help it. My compassion for her is overwhelming. I tuck the blanket snugly around her small body to make her feel comfortable and secure. Then I read to her, just as I promised. Because that's all I can do for her right now.
I wait until she's fast asleep, her breathing deep and steady, and dim the lights. Even now, it's hard for me to leave her alone. I gently brush a strand of hair away from her face.
Come to me, Maya. My father's voice sounds tired.
No, please no.
I don't want to.
So far, I've been able to keep the memory in check, but now, in the silence of the room, it rises more forcefully than ever before.
Come on, I want to talk to you, he says again with his loving warmth, effortlessly conjuring up images from a long-gone time within me.
I dive in, no longer here in the dollhouse-like alpine hut with low wooden paneled ceilings, but in my parents' living room. My father sits on his worn-out armchair just a few yards away from me. The backrest no longer reclines, and the footrest doesn't work. Still, it's his favorite spot. And somehow, it's mine too.
Yet today, I hesitate to approach him. My bare feet sink into the carpet. I fiddle with the hem of my nightgown. It's too small for me. The sheep on the fabric used to be dark blue, but now they have faded.
