"Practice makes perfect." Bone-dry, my best friend uses the words against me that I myself used not too long ago to make her understand that she shouldn't give up on her dream.
What else can I say to that? "We'll see," I say vaguely, because I definitely don't want to promise her that I'll try it.Maybe I could ask Noah if he'll accompany me?No. Definitely not.
"It will work out. And don't forget, you won't stay there forever."
Very true. I definitely won't. Yet another reason to stay away from Noah. Unfortunately, my job applications haven't been going well so far. "I'm working on it."
"If anyone can make it happen, it's my Miss Super Smart." The pride in her voice is unmistakable.
Instantly, it feels like the yellowish light of the hanging lamp above me shines brighter. "Giving up is not an option," I confirm fiercely. At the same time, I realize that throughout the entire phone call, we've only been talking about me. It's high time to change that. "How's your studying going, by the way?"
In the next few minutes, I hear all about Maya's upcoming exam. She sounds more confident than ever before. In the past, I always had to encourage her, but now she can believe in herself and her abilities.
"I'm so happy for you," I finally say, blinking away a few tears from the corners of my eyes. After everything she's been through, her life has turned for the better. "You're making your way, I'm sure of it."
"So are you," she responds with a soft voice. "Absolutely, Elina. No matter what happened. In the end, everything will be alright."
It has to be. And I won't allow myself to think otherwise.
Maya clears her throat. "Promise me that you'll take care of yourself."
We both know what she's referring to. "Promise," I say, fully aware of how right she is.
Noah is off-limits. But how do I manage that when, despite his distant behavior, moments flash by when my heart simply does whatever it wants?
"From cloud nine, you can fall deep," my best friend adds as if I didn't know that even though I've experienced it painfully several times myself.
"But still, there's no greater feeling than being up there," I reply, and immediately, this longing stirs within me to feel how much my existence means to someone else.
"Think about the firefighter." Maya could have spared me that hint, yet it doesn't miss its effect.
It immediately brings me back to reality.
I press my lips together. "I haven't forgotten."
After all, it was my blind infatuation that caused me to lose the position at the Vienna clinic and, with it, all hope of ever uncovering the cause of Aaron's problems. And why I'm now at risk of withering away in this wilderness.
I don't even want to dwell on this topic. The memory is too crushing, and my frustration with my own stupidity is too depressing. Nevertheless, it's hard for me to end the phone call. Because once I do, only the occasional silence of the cottage interrupted by the pattering rain awaits me.
The loneliness. And a long evening with Netflix and instant noodles.
Perhaps I should be grateful that the internet is even working. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like without it.
"Can we continue talking another time? Princess Sophia demands to be escorted to her chamber," Maya says apologetically. In the background, Josh's six-year-old daughter giggles amusedly.
"I have to anyway..." Yes, what do I have to do? Say good night to the cuckoo? "Bye, Maya. We'll talk again soon."
My best friend says her goodbyes as well. I wait until she hangs up because I can't bring myself to press the red button on the phone display. As soon as the connection is severed, I feel cut off from the world.
***
The following morning, I’m once again awakened by the cheeky chirping of the birds. They sound like they are in the best of spirits, full of energy and joy for life. Meanwhile, I drag myself to the window and clumsily open those peculiar wooden boards with carved hearts on them that pass as blinds in this remote corner of the world. The sun peeks through the treetops, and dewdrops glisten on the blades of grass.
Weekend. How lovely.
Apart from doing laundry, continuing my research on finding a therapy spot for Aaron, and grocery shopping, I have nothing on my agenda. Endless hours, as slow as chewing gum, lie ahead of me.
With an extra-strong coffee and a bowl of breakfast cereal, I settle on the sofa. Searching for new job postings has become part of my morning routine. Today, I only find one, and it's in Burgenland. It's not exactly a bustling place, but I could spend my free time in Vienna. At least when I'm not on call. So I adjust my application documents and send them off immediately.
