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I love you, Olivia almost said, but then didn’t. Everything in her ached to tell him the truth, but the thought of him looking shocked and appalled, of rejecting her, kept her silent.
‘Maybe you need to talk to Spencer,’ she said instead, feeling wretchedly as if she’d just bowed out of a big moment.
Ben nodded slowly. ‘Maybe I do.’ He shook his head, let out a wry, self-conscious laugh. ‘Sorry for burdening you with all my rubbish.’
‘I’m glad you did. I want to hear it, Ben. I want to understand and know you better.’ Which was not, Olivia knew, the same thing as saying I love you.
But those three words she wasn’t so good at saying, especially when it mattered. And Ben probably didn’t want to hear them anyway. They hadn’t discussed what was between them being anything but the fling they’d originally agreed on.
Really, it was better for her to stay silent. And definitely safer.
Olivia kept up a stream of chatter all the way back to Berlin, trying to keep things light after Ben’s heavy confessional...and her backing off.
Back at The Chatsfield Ben was besieged by staff, and Olivia hightailed it to the elevator before they could stumble through any awkward goodbyes. She needed to regroup and think about what she hadn’t said.
Later that evening, after a restless afternoon of wondering if she dared tell Ben how she felt, Olivia headed up to the pool. She cut through the water, her limbs aching with each stroke. She’d thought a swim might clear her head, but she just felt more tangled up inside than ever.
She loved him, but she had no idea if he loved her back. No clue as to whether he wanted more than the fling they’d agreed on...and she was desperately afraid to ask.
They’d known each other for a little longer than a week, she acknowledged as she pulled herself up onto the ledge of the pool. An intense, amazing week, but still. Falling in love with someone after a handful of days was reckless, to say the least.
But what was a girl to do when a man made love to her with both raw passion and tender sweetness, who wiped her tears away and held her while she cried? Who admitted his own weaknesses and failings with so much heartbreaking vulnerability in his eyes?
How could she not fall in love with Ben, with his dry humour and passion and surprising sensitivity?
Really, this was all his fault.
‘We seem to make a habit of meeting here.’
She whirled around, her heart climbing its way up her throat. ‘Hey.’ Her voice was a croak.
‘Hey, yourself.’ Ben strode towards her, looking as breathtaking as he did in a tuxedo wearing a pair of swimming trunks. Perhaps even more breathtaking, for she could see his impressive chest and toned abs, trim hips and muscular legs...all of it an incredible, mouthwatering package.
He sat down on the pool ledge next to her, just as he had before, when the paparazzi had taken those incriminating photos.
She gave him a wry smile even though her heart had started to thud and she was so afraid of what he might say. ‘Aren’t you worried about some photos?’ She gestured towards the huge windows overlooking the city. ‘Some photographer might be out there, ready to snap something provocative.’
‘I’m not worried,’ he said, and then he kissed her.
Olivia’s mouth opened under his and she clutched at his bare shoulder as heat and happiness flooded through her. Maybe it was going to be okay after all. Maybe she would tell him how she felt, and it would be easy.
He broke the kiss to gaze down at her. ‘I’m sorry I was tied up all afternoon.’
‘It’s okay.’
‘I think I needed the time to think,’ Ben continued. ‘About us.’
Olivia swallowed hard. His tone...his tone didn’t sound so good. ‘And?’ she managed.
Ben shook his head slowly. ‘I...I don’t know, Olivia. I don’t know what I feel for you. I’m still dealing with everything that’s come up from returning to The Chatsfield. From knowing you.’
She let out a shaky laugh. ‘Glad to be of service.’
‘I’m grateful,’ he told her seriously. ‘I’ve needed to deal with all that stuff. I need to accept what happened, what I’ve done. But I don’t want to hurt you.’
And he might, if he decided he didn’t love her. So she wasn’t going to say those three little words after all. ‘You won’t hurt me, Ben.’ She managed a smile. ‘I know what this is.’ He frowned and she made herself continue. ‘Let’s just enjoy what we have while we have it, okay? That’s all I want.’ All she’d let herself want.
Ben’s frown deepened, and he stared at her for a moment as if he were going to say something else. Something she was pretty sure she didn’t want to hear. Then his expression cleared and he gave her a wolfish smile and said, ‘But if there is a photographer out there, I don’t want to give him an X-rated shot. Let’s go somewhere more private.’
