‘Hi.’ I try a smile; he swallows briefly.
‘Hi.’ Longing floods his features, then he turns to the nurse. ‘Pain, limited weight-bearing. Pulse slightly elevated.’ He grabs the handles of the wheelchair and pushes the woman into the ER with that typical superhero manner.
I follow him. Even though I don’t know how to get through to him, I do know for sure that now I’ve finally found him, I can’t let him go.
‘Vitals stable, consciousness clear,’ he’s explaining to the triage coordinator just as I catch up with him.
‘Thanks, we’ll take it from here.’ My colleague nods to him, then hands the patient a clipboard. ‘Fill out the form,’ he says, and signals to the orderly to wheel the woman into the waiting room.
‘Thanks for your help.’ She hands Jaden the jacket that had been wrapped around her ankle earlier.
He takes it from her. ‘No problem. Get well soon.’
‘Jaden, can we…?’ I reach my hand out to him.
With a mix of wistfulness and hope, he looks at me. ‘Have you changed your mind?’
No. Not really. At least not the way he’d like it to be.
‘Shall we walk a little?’ I point toward the hospital park. We shouldn’t be talking about this here in the middle of the emergency room.
He nods silently, and on the way outside neither of us says a word. A little later we pass through the wrought-iron archway. In front of us the park spreads out like a painting. Trees whose leaves dance in the wind, birdsong, a hint of salt in the air.
It’s a little paradise in the middle of the city, and it gives me an idea.
‘Do you see that?’ I point at the light falling through the treetops onto the gravel path. ‘As if everything is full of glitter dust, isn’t it?’
He doesn’t say anything, but out of the corner of my eye I see that he’s looking.
A little farther on, a blackbird is chirping. I point at it. ‘As if it is giving a concert just for us,’ I say, glancing at him from the side.
‘What is this supposed to be, Nyla?’ The muscles in his jaw tighten.
‘We’re enjoying the moment.’ At least I’m trying to, even if it’s hard for me in light of what stands between us. I take a step toward him.
He clears his throat. ‘What for?’
Because I want to show him that I can see the world through his eyes too, but apparently he doesn’t understand that right now, or he doesn’t want to understand it.
I have to try a different way. But how?
Just telling him that I can understand his fear won’t be enough. But letting him know that he’s not alone would at least be a start.
I clear my throat. ‘When I got my diagnosis back then, my world fell apart,’ I begin quietly.
He stays silent, but at least he doesn’t shut down.
‘I had just finished my intern year, and I already had the job in the ER at Halifax Harbor Hospital in the bag.’ Thinking back to that time isn’t easy for me. But I do it. For him. ‘I still remember how happy I was back then. How it felt as if the whole world was at my feet, as if absolutely anything was possible.’
Together we walk along the gravel path, our shoulders brushing now and then. I can feel how close he is.
He’s here with me. And he’s listening.
‘But from one moment to the next, nothing was possible anymore.’ My voice grows thinner and thinner. ‘When I think back to that time now, everything is shrouded in fog. So much crashed down on me, I couldn’t really grasp any of it.’
I look over at him, wishing I knew what he was thinking. Maybe he’s already realized that he’s in a situation like that right now. Or maybe his thoughts are back in a time when everything was already fogged over for him once before. Lilly’s death and the medical degree he dropped out of back then. By now he knows that was his way of running away, and that it didn’t bring him the happiness he’d hoped for.
Now he is once again at a point where he can either run away or stay.
