I look up at the sky, blinking away the tears that spring to my eyes at the thought of what the two of them have lost.
No, not lost—what they gave up out of fear of disappointment and pain instead of fighting for it. They robbed themselves of their happiness, each of them. Alone.
‘If only I could just…’ Brian’s voice breaks. ‘If I could just see her one more time, just once…’
What would he do then? Kiss her the way he’s always dreamed of? Hold her in his arms, feel her heartbeat?
Arrive. With her.
‘What an idiot I was.’ Pain dominates his features. ‘This life I always thought was just a dream could have been real.’
My heart grows heavy. ‘That life could have been real,’ I repeat, and then I see Nyla before me. With a blissful smile on her lips, dancing in a summer dress, flowers in her hair. Her hands gently stroke the small swell of her belly.
It’s the same image I saw once before, shortly before Nyla came over to my place for dinner. Back then I wondered if it could become real. If one day I could be someone who has a future.
And there is the house again. With a new façade instead of cracked walls, colorful shutters instead of tattered blinds, and a garden in the once-neglected backyard.
Brian says something, but I don’t hear it, I’m so caught up in the images that surface inside me one by one.
In this version of my life where I am not, or no longer, ill. Where I’m happy with Nyla, building something with her. Something that will remain until our hands and faces are covered in wrinkles and our hair is snow white.
Lilly never managed to call Brian and confess her love to him. She could have had him by her side, even if only for a short time. She would have known what his lips taste like and what it feels like to wake up in his arms.
She allowed her fear to steal a few last happy moments from her.
And I did the same thing.
Like my little sister, I allowed my fear to steal happy moments from me, and it might even be more than just a few last ones.
Someone touches my arm, probably Brian—yes, it’s him. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks.
I look up, see the face of a man whose great love is irretrievably lost, and shake my head.
No, I’m not okay. But I’m still not going to let my fear keep calling the shots in my life.
Because beyond this fear, a chance is waiting. A life with Nyla. And no matter how possible or impossible it seems, I want to fight for her.
Chapter Forty-Seven
NYLA
My head feels feverish, my heart is pounding fast in my chest, but I’m not afraid. There is only my mission, which led me to the hardware store earlier and now to Lilly’s house.
I step on the brake of the borrowed van, turn off the engine and jump out of the vehicle. On the way to the loading area, my gaze falls on a wooden chair standing crookedly in the grass beside the sidewalk.
Someone has attached a sign to it.
For sale, it says, with Jaden’s phone number underneath.
Every single muscle in my body tenses. He has made up his mind, given up for good, wants to put an end to everything.
For minutes I stare at the sign, fighting against the hopelessness that wants to spread inside me. Against the feeling of being too late, of having lost – having lost him.
But I didn’t come here with a whole vanload of tools, soil and plants just to give up now. If this doesn’t make him go get checked out, then I don’t know what else to do. If he sees with his own eyes what this garden can become and still sticks to his decision, then… No. It’s not that far yet.
Step by step.
I can still do something, make this very last attempt. So I get to work.
