Still, she smiles gently as she leans back in the treatment chair and closes her eyes. ‘When I’m healthy again, there are a thousand things I want to do.’
I watch the infusion fluid crawl through the tube that leads to the crook of her arm. It’s her ninth cycle; the fact that her body is still putting up with this borders on a miracle.
‘Do you know those crazy street-food stalls at the farmers’ market?’ Her lids still closed, she lets out a long sigh. ‘They have the wildest stuff there. I went a few years ago, but I didn’t dare try the really weird dishes. Grasshoppers and all that, you know.’
‘I tried those once.’ Back then, on my backpacking tour through Asia. Back then, when my life still belonged to me. ‘Believe me, you didn’t miss anything.’
For a moment her fist clenches. ‘When I get out of here, I’ll make up for it. I’m just going to try everything there.’
It’s incredible how she manages to stay so positive despite her prognosis. ‘That’s crazy.’
She blinks wearily. ‘So what? Crazy is good.’
It used to be. Before the diagnosis, the hair loss, the nausea, the inflamed mucous membranes. Today it’s different; absolutely everything is different.
A shiver runs through me and I pull the blanket up to my chin. ‘Okay, what else?’ I ask her, realizing just how tightly she’s clinging to these dreams. That she needs them so she doesn’t lose hope, and I don’t want that to happen for anything in the world.
‘Well, there’s this man I could never forget…’ she begins, then immediately waves it off again. ‘Not important. What I really want is a garden,’ she breathes wistfully. ‘A quiet paradise threaded with the scent of blooming lavender bushes and wild roses.’ Her hand finds the pendant on her necklace.
‘So that’s why there are flowers by your name?’ I ask, looking at the silvery, gleaming Lilly lettering with the blooming Y.
She nods. ‘But I don’t just want flowers, I also want an apple tree.’ Her features relax. ‘Just imagine it: sun-warmed stone paths winding their way through lush greenery, butterflies dancing weightlessly above the blossoms.’
‘Wonderful.’ More than anything, I wish I were already there and not in this treatment room.
‘An old olive tree spreads its gnarled branches, casting shade and whispering softly in the wind. Somewhere a little brook is babbling, the water glinting in the afternoon sun.’ Her voice grows ever quieter, as if talking were too exhausting for her.
I reach for her hand. ‘One day we’ll sit there together.’ With the scent of lavender in our noses, the chirping of birds in our ears, and the tingling of sunrays on our skin.
Lilly’s eyes are already closed again. ‘We will.’
Sitting with me one day in her own garden was only one of Lilly’s dreams. There was so much she wanted to experience, and she never got to do any of it.
I’m thinking about all of that now as I sit on the floor in the middle of the ambulance far too close beside Jaden. I only realize I’m shaking my head when Jaden gently takes hold of my chin to stop the movement.
‘In the end, all we have is the present moment,’ he repeats what he said earlier, fixing me with an intent gaze. ‘We shouldn’t waste it worrying about the past or the future.’
I wish it were that simple, but it isn’t. We have to plan ahead, take care of ourselves. Without a seat belt, things could have ended badly for him today, and if Lilly had taken her symptoms more seriously, thought more about her health, she might still be alive. She would have her garden, would be eating crazy street food, dancing through the nights, and doing a whole lot of other nonsense.
Or would she have been just as afraid of all this as I am? Would she still have planted her garden knowing she might never see it in its full glory? Would she have danced all night even though it would have pushed her body to its limits?
Thoughtfully, I look at Jaden, who lives his life free from any kind of fear. At least he pretends to. ‘Even so, we mustn’t forget what was, nor how what we’re doing now will affect us.’ We have to take care of ourselves. He has to take care of himself. ‘If we don’t, we’re left with nothing. Not even this very moment.’
Something in his expression changes, as if he were thinking about my words. Sorrow etches itself into the depths of his iris. Whatever is going on inside him, it’s similar to what he went through during the phone call today.
Now he’s the one shaking his head, and I’m the one stopping him.
So we sit facing each other, touching, and with every second that irretrievably slips away from this moment, I see a little more in his eyes of the battle he is currently fighting with himself. And I also see that he’s in the process of losing it.
Chapter Eighteen
JADEN
If we don’t, we’re left with nothing. Not even this very moment.
Nyla’s words are everywhere inside me, even where they don’t belong. I can feel that they’re true. She saved my life today, and knowing that calls into question everything that has been unshakable until now.
‘Don’t throw your life away like that,’ she begs me, as if she knows me, when in fact she doesn’t know the first thing about me or about what she calls my life.
