Four. Five. Six.
In my mind I’m kissing Nyla in the garden. Camee is watching and smiling happily. The thought feels bittersweet, and I don’t know whether I want more of it or less.
Seven. Eight. Nine.
The weight on my arms grows heavier and heavier, the fatigue in my chest more and more intense. My triceps are trembling, but I keep going—and in the process I lose a small part of myself.
Ten. Eleven. Twelve.
For a single breath I see the man I promised I would be. His eyes are shining.
‘Hey, slow down,’ Ray warns me.
Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen.
No idea what number comes next, I just keep going, because I want to know if there’s more. If I could be this man, someday maybe. But my strength leaves me before I can find out.
I collapse, exhausted and confused and overwhelmed. The images inside me dissolve. That’s good, I think. It’s how it’s supposed to be. That’s how I like it. Or do I?
Ray steps up beside me, his expression worried. ‘What the hell was that just now?’
I don’t have the slightest clue. ‘That’s what you call hard training,’ I say, because I honestly can’t explain what just happened.
Shaking his head, he gives me a once-over and looks a bit like he’s my father. ‘One day, one of your crazy stunts is going to go wrong.’
One day… his words whirl through my head. I wonder what might come, who I’ll be—in a week, a month, a year—and above all, with whom.
‘What happens one day doesn’t matter today.’ I hear the lie in my words, but at the same time I’m aware that I don’t know the truth. Before Ray can reply, I throw the towel over my shoulder and nod toward the exit. ‘I’ve got to go. You good on your own?’
I see that something is on the tip of his tongue and also that he’s trying to swallow it down. In vain. ‘You can’t keep this up forever, Jaden.’
I know. What I don’t know is how I’m supposed to get out of the life I’ve built for myself without it killing me.
Reluctantly, I fold my arms across my chest. ‘Sorry, but I really have to…’
He studies me for a while. ‘Yeah, go ahead,’ he says at last, visibly disappointed, and I make sure I finally get out of here.
Emotionally shaken, I step into the locker room and open the locker.
My gaze falls on the fabric rose from the fair, which is still tucked into the buttonhole of my jacket. Instantly, the memory of last night takes hold of me, and this time I’m happy to let it happen.
Because thinking about the time I spent with Nyla doesn’t hurt. On the contrary, it feels like a bright counterweight to all the darkness buried deep inside me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
NYLA
I stop at the pedestrian light and look up. The Halifax Harbor Hospital rises in front of me like an unconquerable rock. Clouds are piling up ominously in the sky. I feel sick, I can barely breathe. My legs feel weak, just like my whole body, which is weak and tired and not ready for what’s ahead.
Music makes everything better. At least that’s what Jaden claimed yesterday at the fair when he talked me into buying the pink glittery headphones that I now pull out of my handbag.
Cars shoot past me, people crowd around me while I connect the headphones to my phone and put them in my ears.
A little later, the first song from the playlist Jaden sent me out of the blue in the middle of the night starts to play.
Don’t forget to smile, his message said, nothing else.
I listen to the refrain ofDon’t Worry, Be Happy. Smiling to myself, I turn the music up louder and picture the delighted expression with which Jaden would be looking at me if he were here with me now.
