Lola swished from side to side. “It’s sowarm,” she breathed, her arms hugging the shirt to her body.
I smiled. She looked good in my flannel. I liked how it swallowed her up, and the sleeves hung over her hands. Shewaswarm. My smell was all over her.
She blinked up at me. “This changes nothing between us.”
“I know.”
Nothing could change between us. I wanted Lola’s forgiveness, but I couldn’t have her. It didn’t matter what Ruth said. Every day would be a storm if Lola were stuck with me. She’d live waiting for the wind to pick up, wild, unrelenting, never knowing if the thunder was coming. The darkness inside me would overshadow any sunny days of us cooking and reading together.
And what was the other option? Convincing her to agree to something casual? Parking my boots by her door, touching her sweet body, making her feel good, only to tip my hat at sundown and say goodbye?
Maybe that would work for a few weeks until some other bastard swept her off her feet. He’d be the one to tangle his fingers with hers, kiss her cheek, and say, “I do.”
That man couldn’t be me, and it almost ripped me in half.
I was grateful the rain poured, and I had an excuse to swipe the tears leaking from my eyes. The thought of Lola being with someone else hurt. Hurt worse than a punch in the gut.
No, she would never be mine, but I wanted her forgiveness just the same.
“Lola, I’m sorry for the way I treated you. Not being honest… Leaving… Throwing out your pie… The bar… All of it.”
Her lip curled, and she said nothing. My apologies never did much to sway her sympathy.
“I guessed early on something wasn’t quite right with you,” I said. “I acted like a selfish bastard. I know someone hurt you, and I ignored the signs and went there anyway.”
Lola’s head slowly turned. I’d hoped to see some glimmer of forgiveness, but the eyes that lifted were narrowed to a murderous line.
“Something’s notrightabout me?” she snapped. “So, I’m damaged goods, is that it? You would’ve saved yourself all this regret and avoided sleeping with me if you’d known someone used to hit me?”
Someone used to… The air strangled out of my lungs. I stopped dead on the roadside. “Lola…” My legs almost buckled, but I kept myself upright. I’d suspected this, but somehow, hearing her say the words was worse.
Lola’s tiny fist balled by her side. “Should I have told you how he never let me have my own money? That he controlled what I wore and where I went?” Her voice pitched higher and higher. “That he locked me outside on the balcony for hours to teach me a lesson after I forgot to pick up his dry cleaning?”
Her words punched a crack in my chest. “Lola…”
“Or did you need to know he slapped me across the face for embarrassing him at his birthday party? Or the fact that it wasn’t the first time? Or even the worst of what he did to me? Would telling youthathave saved you from making such a terrible choice?”
The crack in my chest split wide open, breaths tearing in and out, but I couldn’t seem to keep any air in my lungs. Lola was the kindest little creature in the world. The idea that someone could hurt her like that destroyed me. What could I do? Track thebastard down on the mainland and give him a taste of his own medicine? Fuck, Iwantedto do that.
“Lola… Bloody hell… That’s not…” Shaking my head, I swallowed to force the lump from my throat and get out the words I needed to say. “I didn’t mean it like that. I wanted to spareyou. I should have protected you. You’re a victim.”
“I’m not a victim!”
“No… You’re…asurvivor.”
“I’m aperson,Aiden! Youhurtme! Or do you think the only way you can hurt someone is with your hands? Your words were just as cruel. All your manufactured kindness to get a quick fuck and then desert me like I was disposable cut just as deep!” She croaked a bitter laugh at the storm clouds. “You know, if you only wanted a one-night thing, you should’ve just been honest. I was so lonely, I probably would have said yes anyway. That’s the pathetic part.”
“That night… It wasn’t just a quickfuck, Lola. You know that. That night was perfect.”
The fury in her eyes dimmed. “Then why did you leave without saying goodbye?”
“BecauseI’mnot right. Inside me…” I pressed a fist over my heart. “I’m no good.”
She stepped closer, hugging the shirt around her body. “You can talk to me, Aiden.”
Her voice was barely a whisper, yet it slammed into me like a sledgehammer. Could I talk to her? The words threatened to spill out. I wanted to confess all my sins. Fall to my knees and beg for her forgiveness. But some truths were too painful to share. It wouldn’t make things better between us, only worse.
I shook my head.
