I hiccupped a little laugh. “T-thanks. I’m not usually…” So emotional? No, I’d been bottling it up, hadn’t I? I’d been putting on a brave face for everyone. For Matilda. For Callan. Most of all… for myself. “I’m married. Well, I was. No, I am, but… I left.”
“Do you feel safe enough to tell me why you left?”
“My husband had an affair.”
“That must have been incredibly painful to find out.”
“Y-yeah… I was in shock and then angry… And now…” HowdidI feel? “Confused.”
“You’re not sure what to do next?”
“No. Well, sort of. Me and Til…” I glanced over at where Matilda happily cooed to the baby doll she’d found squished in the bottom of the toy box. “We’re staying with a friend. I’ve got a lawyer. That’s all taken care of, but…”
Lola was quiet, only filling in my silence by handing me a fresh tissue.
“My husband said it only happened once,” I said, “but how can I be sure? And we were still…”
God, how stupid I’d been shamelessly throwing myself at him to keep him happy in the bedroom, knowing now that he hadn’t found me attractive. Had he been thinking aboutherall those times? Or someone else? My heart twisted painfully in my chest. What if there wereothers? Not just Tallulah… Maybe a Crystal… or an Ashley… or one of the other doctors’ wives who actually went to Pilates…
“You’d like a sexual health checkup?” Lola prompted gently.
A flood of tears burst out of me with a loud sob. “No.” I wanted to rewind time to when Jeremy was still faithful. I scrubbed my eyes with the tissue.
Lola rolled her chair closer and said the thoughts screaming to get out of my head. “You shouldn’t have to get these tests,” she said. “Your husband shouldn’t have made the choice he did. That’s not how a man should treat the woman he chose to spend his life with.” She rested a comforting hand on my arm. “But this is about protecting yourself. If he’s not man enough to do it, you’ve got to be strong enough to do it yourself.”
“But I’mnotstrong.”
“You decided to stay with your friend. You’ve got a lawyer. Your daughter’s thriving and walked in here with all the confidence in the world. Erin, youarestrong.”
Maybe the doctor was right. Jeremy had stolen my confidence, but I was sitting here, making choices and planning a future. I’d held my best friend’s hand as she took her last breath, and I’d saved the big, painful sobs that hurt my chest for when she wouldn’t see them. I kept going after that, too. Maybe Iwasstronger than I thought.
But that didn’t stop me from lying on the examination bed with tear-stained eyes glued to the ceiling, my last shred of dignity stripped bare, and humiliation clawing at my chest as the doctor poked and prodded at me as gently as possible.
Matilda never saw me cry. I refused to make my marriage—or my divorce—her burden. She could still love her daddy even if I couldn’t anymore.
When the appointment mercifully ended, the two of us wandered around town, stopped for an ice cream, and laughed as we tried on different silly hats from the display outside the antique shop. But when I’d safely strapped my daughter into the car seat, and her eyes drooped, I took out my phone and opened the email to my lawyer.
I have no intention of continuing my marriage. Please send Jeremy confirmation of our separation.
I refused to go through an appointment like that ever again. Jeremy would never get a second chance to hurt me.
I hit send.
9
Those Sad Cuddles in Winter
Callan
Callan
Would you mind a visit?
Erin
We’re chilling out before dinner. Drop by anytime. xo
I sent a half-heartedprayer to the heavens for Erin to stop signing off her texts with hugs and kisses. My pulse kicked up too many notches when she reminded me I wanted so much more than those x’s and o’s. I ached for the real thing.
