“Because I acted like a jealous fuckin’ ass.” He sighs. “Forget about me. Where’s your head at? You want him?”
“I…”
“That’s my answer.”
He reaches for the doorknob. He’s going. That’s it.
“Now wait one second!” I fly off the bed. “That wasn’t any kind of answer at all! You’ve never jumped on me like that before. You always wait for me to get my bearings.”
He loosens his grip on the knob, but his head drops and his shoulders hike up on a deep breath in. “Give me somethin’ solid, Elsie.”
“What happened between Luke and me was…complicated.”
“You’re still avoidin’ the damn question!” Regret flashes across his face almost as soon as the words leave his mouth. He holds up his palm. “I’m not tryin’ to pressure you. Honestly, I’m not. Let me giveyousomethin’ solid to think about, okay?”
I sink back to the edge of the bed. “Please,” I whisper.
“Straight up. I’m not a placeholder until you figure out how you feel about Luke. Despite what those blockheads said out in your livin’ room, I’m not interested in screwin’ around for the hell of it.”
“I… I… understand.”
“But a woman like you?” He shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “Elsie, you’re a once-in-a-lifetime kind of woman. A part of me is goin’ to regret not takin’ any little bit of you that you’re willin’to give me, but…” He takes a deep breath. “Anythin’ less than exclusive and committed doesn’t work for me.”
Exclusive.
I was with one man through most of my twenties. I’mgreatat exclusive. Luke was the first—and only—man I’ve slept with since the ink dried on my divorce papers. And for Sawyer, this isn’t about sex. Well, notjustsex, anyway. He said it himself. He wants acommitment.
But how can I promise him that?
The tremor in my fingers betrays the fear coiling tight around my chest. I quickly wedge my hand between my thigh and the comforter before Sawyer catches sight of my weakness. He’s always watching. He’ll notice.
I don’t want to explain to him I was only the good wife for the bad times and not worth the effort once the money rolled in. I don’t want to admit that I accepted Luke’s offer because I was just solonely. Any affection, any sign that another person cared about bringing me joy, even if it was just two nights a week—I was desperate for it. I was terrified of being on my own. I still am.
But, somehow, what Sawyer is asking for is so much scarier.
He’swonderful. He’s also my only friend. There is every possibility that I’ll ruin what we have, and I’ll end up even more alone. I won’t risk it.
“I can’t promise you a relationship right now,” I admit.
Sawyer’s gaze drops to his feet, but he nods. He tightens his hand around the doorknob, and the hinges creak open enough for the hammering to invade the room again.
I leap up from the bed. “Why don’t you stay for lunch?”
He keeps his eyes low. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.” His voice is so gruff.
He’s going to walk out, and that’s it. He’ll be gone.
“I’m…” Oh God. Not the tears. Not now. “I’m…sorry,” I hiccup.
“What are you apologizin’ for?” He’s right there beside me. I didn’t even hear him cross the carpet, but he’s there, bending in front of me, his hand reaching for my cheek. “I asked you to be honest, and you were.”
“But…” I swipe under my nose with the back of my hand. “We have so much fun together. The road trip…and that awful CD I picked…the beach…and the… and the…” I sniffle.
“I never said we couldn’t be friends, Hosko.”
He wraps me in a hug. I want to dig my fingers into his shirt and keep him right here, close to me, where I can push my nose into his chest and breathe in the smell of the ocean that clings to him. But I don’t. His arms fall away, and then there’s only empty space.
He’s gone.
