The only person I trusted enough to touch her was me.
Even though I knew better, the monster's hold on me was complete last night; the rage that fueled my desire for her destruction tasted like bitter bile in my mouth. I wanted to seethe innocent light in her eyes fall, and to feel the same hurt that I felt.
I was so fucked in the head. I know it was not normal to think these things, to be two different people, but there were times when I couldn’t control it.
Then, when all was said and done, I had to watch the consequences unravel before me, powerless to turn back time.
We arrived at the bustling ferry pier, the salty air thick with the cries of gulls and the distant foghorn, ready for our trip to see the wild horses. Sydney and I were at the back of the group. She turned to me, a joyful light in her eyes.
“I’ve never seen wild horses before. This is going to be so great.” Her enthusiasm was almost child-like, and I attempted a half-smile.
“Yeah. I guess. I don’t see the difference between wild and tamed horses.”
Amelia overheard and shot me a glance, as if to say, ‘you’re an idiot.’
“There’s a huge difference. Tamed horses are tamed. Wild horses have a wild spirit; they’re untouched and pure. It’s stunning to witness.”
I didn’t bother to respond as we entered the ferry, finding a place on board. It was admirable, in a way. I envied a creature who was pure and untouched, not shaped by trauma or rage.
The ferry churned through the choppy water, the rhythmic chugging a counterpoint to the turmoil within me.
Sydney, oblivious, continued to chatter excitedly about the horses, her words bouncing off the steel walls of the ferry like stray pebbles.
I stared out at the churning grey sea, the wildness of it mirroring the untamed beast inside me, a beast I couldn't tame, couldn't even begin to understand.
The salty air did nothing to cleanse the bitter taste of jealousy and self-hatred lingering on my tongue.
Perhaps, I thought, watching the waves crash against the hull, the wild horses would offer some small glimpse of that untainted purity Amelia so readily described, a purity I so desperately craved, yet knew I could never possess.
I watched Amelia and Alex as they looked over the railing towards the water, pointing out different things that they saw.
The monster had slithered back into its cave, and now I wanted her more than her. I watched how her hair swayed, how her beauty gleamed. How fucking lucky Alex was to be something pure in her eyes, something that had never hurt her.
Unlike me, who had made her miserable for years. I thought I was doing the right thing. How could I have known any better? I was a fucking kid.
The salt spray stung my eyes, mirroring the bitter sting of regret. My reflection in the churning water was a stranger, a ghost of the boy who'd thought himself capable of love, let alone deserving of it.
Amelia’s laughter, light and fleeting as sea foam, cut through my haze. It was like a fucking melody to my ears.
My need for her was primal, like the ocean's reliance on the moon's pull, the desperate hunger of flames for oxygen, or a plant's thirst for sunlight. It was engraved into me since I was a boy, the first time I saw her, but it was overshadowed and masked by a rage fueled by my father.
Briefly, I imagined how happy I could’ve been if I had ignored my father’s abusive, drunk words. If only I had become her friend instead of her enemy.
We’d probably be married right now.
That thought, cruel as a winter wind yet soft as a summer breeze, both stung and warmed me.
Alex said something and wandered off, leaving her standing by herself near the far side of the ferry, alone. Most of everybody had gone inside the cover of the ferry to mingle and sit.
I moved toward her as if pulled by steel cables. Every nerve ablaze with equal parts dread and hunger. It was a need so vast it felt like it might swallow me whole.
“Amelia.” My voice was rough when I finally broke the distance. She turned, expression pinning me in place: unreadable, guarded.
“What do you want, Caiden?” Her words cut through the hush, clipped with frustration I couldn’t blame her for.
My carefully rehearsed confession vanished the moment her eyes locked onto mine. All I had was raw need shimmering beneath my skin. “I shouldn’t have said what I said last night.”
Surprise flickered across her face. A stray lock of chestnut hair drifted over her cheek, and part of me ached to tuck it behind her ear. But as quickly as the softness came, it hardened again.
