I never knew her side of the story. My father told me that she didn’t care. He told me that she didn’t love us anymore and that she went to live a better life.
Then, I met Shane, never knowing I had a half-brother. He told me some things, but this would be the first time hearing the full story.
“So, I caused the falling out? My being born put too much stress on you both?” Out of everything she said, that stuck with me the most.
She shook her head. “If we were more prepared and older, it would have been okay. I was in my early twenties when you were born. We were still young and inexperienced. It was our fault, Caiden. Not yours. Do not blame yourself. It takes two to end a marriage, and it started long before Brian had his affair.”
I slammed my hand on the table, anger still boiling inside me. Her words washed over me, meaningless as they slipped through an open drain. “You left me!” I shouted. “You knew his temper, and you left me with him. He beat me; he said cruel things; he neglected me; he ruined my life. He even brainwashed me into hating the one girl who ever made me happy.”
I took a deep breath, trying to slow my racing heart. The rage I felt was his legacy, a monster I'd become. “I learned to hate Amelia simply because she was Judy's daughter, channeling his cruelty, needing someone to blame for my pain. I'm ruined because you left.”
Helen glanced down, visibly upset by my outburst. I couldn’t believe it. She was upset? I’m the one who should be upset.
“I’m so sorry, Caiden. If I could turn back time, I would take you with me. But the past is gone, and we can only move forward. You know my story now, maybe that will bring some light to your heart.” She reached out to try to touch my arm as a way to comfort me, but I yanked it away.
“Yeah, I know your story now. I’m still angry, though. I can’t fucking control it sometimes. There’s a monster within me, and it itches to come out. Like right now. I want to scream at you, Iwant to make you feel the same emotional pain that I felt. But the other side of me craves your affection and attention, the part of me that had been fucking starved of it for so long.”
“Oh, Caiden. I’m sorry. I never meant for you to mimic your father. But I’m here now. We can bond and have the son and mother relationship that I deprived you of those years ago.” Her eyes were so hopeful, so fucking clueless. I don’t think she had any idea how angry and damaged I had become.
“Yeah, whatever. I don’t have anywhere else to be, so I’ll be here for a while anyway. But I don’t think this anger will ever go away. It might lessen, but it’s a part of me. You abandoned me when I needed you the most, and I fucking hate you for it.” I didn’t realize how badly my hands were shaking until I reached for my glass and nearly dropped it.
“I’m here now, like I said. You are a good boy, Caiden. You might not remember much, but I remember you, how sweet and kind you were. So, innocent. I wanted to visit you, I really did, but we were so far, and time slipped away. I know that’s no excuse, but it’s all I can give you.” She spoke of me in a reminiscent way, as if she knew me.
“Maybe. But that innocence is gone. It left the day you vanished. Like you said, though, can’t change the past, so I guess I just need to fucking deal with this somehow.” It felt as if I were melting with how red my face had become from anger. I didn’t have it in me to keep arguing about my pain, so I sat there and accepted it, needing to cool off.
“I wish I could ease your pain. I do believe that good boy is still in you, though, you just need to access him and let go of all your anger. I know it’s hard, I know the impact Brian had on you, but he’s gone, and I’m here. That’s all that matters now.”
As she spoke, I looked out the window, not able to look her in her eyes any longer. There was a tug of war between sorrow, yearning, and anger inside of me.
Maybe she was right. Maybe the good Caiden is still in there. I’ve seen glimpses of him. I just needed to fucking move on from all this baggage. I knew now that going with Amelia would help with that.
I had to go home.
I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself as the pain in my chest twisted tighter. Helen’s words tangled together. I could feel the warmth of her intention, but it was hard to separate that from the bitterness that had seeped into my bones over the years.
“Look, I don’t know how to do this,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t know how to just let go. It feels like I’ve built this wall around myself, and to tear it down would mean inviting in chaos.”
Helen studied me, her eyes softening further. “It’s okay to be scared, Caiden. But you’ve already taken the first step by confronting all of this. Acknowledging your pain is the beginning of healing.”
I scoffed at her optimism. “Healing? That sounds like a fairytale.”
“Maybe it is,” she replied, a slight smile creeping onto her lips. “But every fairytale has its trials, and every hero has to face their demons before they can find their happy ending.”
A part of me wanted to laugh at her ridiculous metaphor, but I just sat there, staring at my glass of water, watching the condensation drip down the sides. “My demons don’t play fair.”
She nodded. “I’m here now, Caiden. I want to help you.”
“Help me?” I echoed, the anger swelling again. “You can’t help what you don’t understand. You left me behind, remember? You chose your new life over me, and now you want to play the mother card?”
“I was wrong,” she said, her voice steady, but with an underlying tremor. “I know that now. I can’t fix what I broke, but I can show you that I care.”
I wanted to scream at her that it was too little, too late, but somewhere deep inside, I felt a flicker of something I hadn’t felt in years—hope. It scared me.
“I don’t even know who you are,” I whispered, breaking eye contact again. “You’re just a stranger to me.”
“That’s true, but I want to change that. I want to get to know who you are now, what you love, what you hate. I want to learn about your life, the things that make you happy, and the things that hurt you. You don’t have to forgive me right away, but I want to earn your trust.”
I looked up then, meeting her gaze with a mix of skepticism and a hint of curiosity. “You think it’ll work? Trusting you?”
