He tried to keep his voice teasing, but it came out clumsier than he wished. “I am not an ogre, Harriet. I can have good moods on occasion.”
“I know, I just…” Harriet gestured with her hands as though trying to pluck the words from the air. “I worried I might have upset you last night.”
“You did not.”It was the opposite.He ran his fingers along his trousers, lightly gripping the fabric to keep from reaching towards Harriet. “If I frightened you, I did not mean to.”
“You did not.” Harriet took a step closer. “You never frighten me.”
“I am glad.” The world folded around them, muffling the sounds of birds outside. “You mentioned that you had something you wanted to discuss with me?”
“Oh. Yes… I did.” Harriet’s eyes widened and she stepped back. “I… I need you not to interrupt me. I think if you do I will lose my nerve.”
“That sounds serious.” Theodore perched on the edge of his desk. “Very well.”
“Thank you.” Harriet’s fingers twitched and she began to pace, her eyes moving away from his face. “Theodore, I have been thinking about this, about our arrangement and well… I think… No, I know, I want a real marriage. With you. I want a life, afuture, and so many adventures with you and Phoebe. To share a room, and to bookend my days by your side.”
He felt his chest soar, his heart looping in circles around his body. For a moment, he saw it clearly, they would be a family, him and Harriet and Phoebe. He would have Harriet by his side; it would be perfect. Theodore was about to say something, but Harriet was speaking still, nerves clearly taking hold.
She always babbles when she is nervous.He found his smile broadening, wondering if she would always be nervous around him. He reached towards her, wanting to turn her to face him, but as he did, her next words froze him in place.
“We could grow our family! I love Phoebe dearly, and she will always be like a daughter to me. And well, she has made me realize that I want children of my own. That I have always wanted them. I think it is the missing piece that would complete everything.”
Children.All the warmth left Theodore as ice filled his entire body. “You told me you thought spinsterhood was your future.”
He hated the way he clung to the statement, the way he prayed that her want for a child was something small and easily discarded. That it was not some deep-seated desire.
Raising Phoebe was one thing, but having a child of his own? He had seen what the world was like, seen what his father was like. Two years he had struggled, and it was only because of Harriet that he had managed to start getting things right with Phoebe.
“I know and I did, but I think- no, I know – in my heart of hearts, I wanted children. I have always wanted them, even if I did not think I would find a marriage, I wanted a child. Theodore, I want to be your wife, to give you sons and daughters and to fill our house with laughter. I want to hold children with my cheeks and your eyes.”
Guilt flooded through him as he found himself imagining such a child, picturing a tiny infant with his eyes and Harriet’s smile. It would be so small, so fragile. So easy for him to break.
It would carry a part of him, his weakness. Before Phoebe, he had sworn he would never have children. He did not want to become the same monster as his father, and he did not know how to be any different.
He had trapped Harriet; he saw that now. He had ruined everything for her with his selfishness. He asked her to mother Phoebe, he let himself be too blinded by her to see her heart’s desire and to convince himself that she might be satisfied with only what he offered.
He pictured a future with children, but could only see her tired face, her haggard expression. His base cruelty taking over, his face his father’s. His anger at the noise, the chaos, everything.
And then he imagined Rose. The way the life had drained from her. He thought of how easy it would be for Harriet’s life to drain away. For her to fade, like his mother had, like his sister had.
I cannot lose her.
“I do not want that.” Theodore’s voice came out cold and distant.Of course, she wants more, she wants children of her own – she has never grasped how dangerous I truly am“I will never have children.”
He saw the hurt blossom onto Harriet’s face, and dug his nails into the palms of his hand to keep from reaching for her. His heart slammed against the iron barrier that was his chest, and he forced himself to meet her gaze.
Fear and anger boiled over in him, crashing against him in waves. “
“And what about what I want?” Her voice was little more than a whisper but each word struck him as deeply as if she had shouted.
Theodore felt as though the floor beneath him was crumbling. He had asked her to be a mother to Phoebe after all; this was his fault. He had put the idea in her head. He had been too foolish to see what he was doing.
She deserved a real family. She deserved all the things she had gushed about and so much more. She would be the perfect mother, he had already seen it.If she survives.
The thought made his insides curl and writhe, wriggling into knots that tightened with every breath he took. Anger and frustration boiled through him. He had to make her see.
“If Phoebe is not enough for you-” Theodore began but Harriet interrupted him.
“- you know that is not what I am saying.” Harriet’s anger blazed like the sun. “Do not use my love for her as a weapon. Love is not a pie, Theodore. A child of my own would not change how I feel about her.”
