I cannot give you what you want.
The words had echoed in her head as she had cried into her pillow. Her eyes had been red and puffy when she had woken, her chest ached from the sobs. Her voice was hoarse, and she had been in a daze when Phoebe had found her.
She remembered the way the little girl had wrapped her arms around her and buried her face into Harriet’s neck. She could still smell the soft floral smell of her, and it only sharpened the ache within her.
“I am.” Harriet returned to the present, shaking the memory of Phoebe from her mind, even as her fingers curled around the drawing Phoebe had given her.
It was of a little girl hugging a woman as the sun rose over a hill. Harriet had asked if Phoebe would like to come with her, but the girl had declined. She wanted to stay with Theodore, to stay in her home.
Harriet hated that she could not be happier for Phoebe, that even though she was proud of how settled she was, she could not use it to erase her own feelings.
“I think it will be best for all of us if I leave.” Harriet forced herself to say as she looked at Theodore.
For a long moment, he said nothing. She could see a muscle twitching in his jaw as he ran his fingers across his desk. She forced herself to keep looking at him, steeling her resolve.
I will get through this.She would do what she had to do. She could not let Phoebe down, but she could not stay either.
“You do not have to.” Theodore’s voice had an odd edge to it beneath the cool, formality.
“I do.” Harriet swallowed.He saw me. Now he chooses to look away. I will not stay and be overlooked once more.
Theodore’s jaw tightened, and Harriet thought he would argue, but instead he asked, “Where will you go?”
There was no emotion in his words, just that same clipped edge. Understanding dawned on her – it was relief. He wanted her to leave. Of course he did, she had made such a fool of herself.
I do not want that.
He did not want her. She knew that. And now he was just showing her how true it was.
“My parents’ house in London.” She felt a lump form in her throat, and cleared it. “I need time away from you, from this, from everything. It is clear we cannot continue as we have been and I… I have to do this.”
Theodore’s eyes narrowed, the muscles across his chest rippling as he drew his hands behind his back. “How long?”
His tone was businesslike. The wall Harriet was building around her heart buckled at the disinterest, but she pushed against it. This was Theodore as he was, whatever else she had glimpsed, that would never be for her.
“I am not certain yet. A few weeks, maybe a month or so?” Harriet shrugged.How long does it take to heal something like this?
“And what about Phoebe?” Theodore asked.
Of course that is all he cares about.Harriet could not quite keep the bitterness from her voice and she hated herself for it. “I have spoken to her. I wanted her to understand that this was not her fault, that I love her and will always love her, but I cannot stay here for the moment. She understood, as much as she could. She was sad of course, but I expect you can distract her with a puppy.”
She added the last to try and soften the edges of her anger. It helped to imagine Theodore and Phoebe having that moment of joy, even as it felt like a splinter worming its way towards her heart.
“A puppy is not quite the same.” Something unreadable flashed across Theodore’s face, but it was gone too quickly for Harriet to be sure what it was. “She will miss you.”
Will you?She bit back the words, refusing to add to any more of her humiliation.
For a heartbeat, she had let herself believe that he might say he would miss her, but he did not. “I will miss her as well.”And you, fool that I am.She should never have believed that someone like Theodore would want someone like her. “But my mind is made up.”
“When will you leave?” He asked, his hands clasped behind his back.
His words twisted in her gut like a crossbow bolt. He wanted to be rid of her, of course he did. It was the last few nails in the casket for her hope.
“Today.” She kept her voice light, as though she were discussing nothing more than the weather. “I did not see any reason to delay.”
The last few words came out more like a challenge than she had anticipated.
“I see.” Was that a flinch she saw? Theodore looked away, out of the window and Harriet felt anger fill the empty space between the pieces of her heart. “I will arrange for guards to see you safely on your way... Phoebe still needs you.”
