Lyra lets out a huge breath, but the tension stays in her body. She stares after them with a hollow expression as they walk away. Then she looks at me and lets out a bitter laugh.
“So that wasn't at all awkward,” she says.
“Not in the least. You ok?”
She draws herself up and lifts her chin, same as when I asked her if she'd be ok last time. I don’t learn, apparently. This woman does not like showing weakness at all.
“I’m not going to sit here and crumble over my ex if that's what you're worried about.”
My eyes widen, taken aback by her assumption that I would care if she crumbled right now. I lean down to rub her shoulders and make sure to lock her gaze to mine. “Lyra, hey, it would be normal and totally ok if you did. I'm not worried about anything but you, though.”
She relaxes a little. “Thank you. I'll be fine.”
“He seemed jealous. Maybe he still has feelings for you.” I'm not sure if it's the right thing to say, it just came out because maybe she is hoping for a reconciliation after all. Bile goes up my throat at the thought, so that's fun. I put my hand on her lower back and lead her around the corner and completely off to the side where it's much less crowded so we can talk more privately.
She shakes her head vehemently at what I said when we get to the quiet corner. “He absolutely does not. If he feels anything, it's because I'm the toy he discarded. He saw someone else interested, so all of the sudden I'm shiny and new. That's all. He cheated on me, there is no going back with that level of betrayal. For fuck's sake, he got her pregnant before we've even officially divorced. The hurtis still completely raw, all the same. This is why I can't do anything more than friendship right now, ok? I can't go into anything when I am still this messed up.” Her voice cracks on the last couple of words.
My heart splits down the middle for her as I see her chest start heaving and her eyes blinking rapidly, as if she is fighting tears. I put my hands back on her shoulders.
“Lyra, it's ok. There is no pressure. We will just be friends and get to know each other. I'm here for you. Also, he is the biggest idiot I have ever met for doing that to you. I can't even imagine treating someone like that.”
She sniffles a little. “I know he is. Like I said, I'll be fine. It's better for both of us, Kayla can give him what I never could, and I'm better off with someone who will do better by me.”
“Listen now, that's my friend you're talking about. What could Kayla possibly give him that you can't? You're an amazing person, Firecracker. I know that without question, and I've barely started to get to know you.”
“Children, Taran.” She practically hisses it, and I rear back trying to process what she's saying. “She can give him children, and I can't. That's why he left me. He changed his mind about having them, and I didn't. Once again, a woman's worth is apparently decided by whether she wants to become a mother.”
“Lyra, no woman's worth is determined by whether she wants to become a mother. That is an absolute fact,” I tell her firmly.
“Well, tell that to the rest of society,” she says, throwing her arms out. “I’m good with not wanting to be a mother. I can't have them myself, and I have no desire to go through the financial and emotional hoops of adoption, egg donation, or surrogacy. I've never really wanted to be one,anyway. I like my life. I like to live quietly and without chaos since I have had enough chaos for several lifetimes.” Her voice is steady and so impassioned as she talks and gestures.
“The idea of having a small human being so dependent on me 24/7, constantly needing my attention and guidance, gives me hives. I can barely guide myself through life, let alone guide an innocent child. I like doing what I want when I want to. Between my siblings and my best friend I have seven nieces and nephews, and being the wine auntie is grand. I love them to pieces, but at the end of the day I can go home to peace and quiet.” She takes a breath before continuing.
“Women who don't want their own children are so harshly judged. They're labeled selfish, even today in 2023. It's so disheartening to be judged like that solely on your own personal choices that have nothing to do with others. Then you learn your own ex-husband doesn't fully support this choice anymore, after numerous conversations, and you don't find that out until he leaves you because of it.”
Her breaths are coming rapidly now, and her eyes are filled with more emotions than I could possibly count. I swear the fathomless depths of those big green eyes could hold the secrets of the universe. I’ve been trying to quietly listen, but I need to comfort her now.
“Lyra, come here.” I step toward her and envelop her. She sags in my arms and quietly cries into my chest.
“We have to stop meeting like this. Here I am crumbling when I said I wouldn’t,” she says brokenly.
I run my hand up and down her back in soothing patterns and she gathers herself enough to step away and wipe her eyes.
“Thank you, for hugging me through my tears, yet again,” she says with a watery half smile.
“That's what friends do, Firecracker.”
“Listen, I think I need to get home. I'm going to take Brody out on a long walk and just think through a lot of things, ok? I'm sorry to cut this short.”
My heart sinks, but she clearly needs some space. “Alright. I'll text you soon, ok?”
“Ok.” Then she clearly is working something through in her head before she takes a step toward me, and looks at me so solemnly right in the eyes.
“Taran, I also need you to please really sit and think. If you still want to seriously date me down the road, I need you to be ok with my baggage. I don't do casual, and I don't want to have us possibly get serious, only for you to realize you want to be a dad and leave.” Her voice quavers a little as she says the last sentence. “I can't go through that again. We can still be friends if you realize you want that, there's no pressure. I can't go beyond friendship if we want different things out of life, and I just want to be crystal clear up front.”
With that, she turns and walks swiftly away to her car, leaving me reeling. I appreciate her honesty. I get what she's saying, and there is a whole lot to unpack from our conversation. Holy shit did this really nice morning at the farmer's market take a turn, though. I'm not a violent person by any means, but I would love a good excuse to punch her ex. Watching her walk away like this is just a tease of what it would be like to lose her, and it already hurts. We both clearly have a lot of thinking to do, because she is not the only one at risk of a broken heart here.
Chapter 9
